We're at an iMPAAsse.

I've seen commercials advertising the special theatrical release of The King's Speech. It's not longer, it's not the director's cut, it doesn't have an additional scene after the credits. It's the PG-13 version.

The King's Speech is a great biopic. It's inspiring, it's powerful, it's historical, it's both lighthearted and deep. It's cinematic magic, and while it wasn't my choice for Best Picture for 2010, it should be made available to the widest audience possible.

Do you know why it was rated R in the first place? If you'll recall, there was no violence, there was no sex, no nudity, no thematic elements, and no drug use or alcohol abuse (save for some chain smoking and a scene where Guy Ritchie is determined to find the perfect bottle of wine.)

If you'll recall, there was one scene responsible for it's restricted rating. In a moment of frustration, Geoffrey Rush urges Colin Firth to belt out a cathartic tirade of expletives. The tirade is as follows:

"Fuck. Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck and fuck! Fuck, fuck and bugger! Bugger, bugger, buggerty buggerty buggerty, fuck, fuck, arse! Balls, balls, fuckity, shit, shit, fuck and willy. Willy, shit and fuck and... tits."

According to the MPAA, this is naughty language that can only be exposed to adults. According to my sources, the edited version is as follows, and perfectly suited for all ages:

"Shit. Shit! Shit, shit, shit and shit! Shit, shit and bugger! Bugger, bugger, buggerty buggerty buggerty, shit, shit, arse! Balls, balls, shitty, shit, shit, fuck and willy. Willy, shit and fuck and... tits."

Hearing the word "Fuck" thirteen times in swift succession is dangerous to malleable young minds. Hearing it twice is perfectly fine. Of course, this is twice as many times normally allowed. Under normal MPAA guidelines, a film may say "Fuck" once and maintain a PG-13 rating. Clearly, the MPAA has a soft spot for Colin Firth's charming, British allure. Buggerty? Delightful!

Oh, and let's not forget "Shit." To the MPAA, that word is completely inconsequential. "Shit" and "Shoot" might as well be interchangeable (though not as verbs. That would be silly.)

Why do I take such personal issue with this? Does it have anything to do with my getting a three-day suspension in the 6th grade for saying "Shit" in a private conversation to a friend? No, not a bit. Clearly I hold no ill-regard towards the shit-eating language police and their goddamn, ass-backwards, cock-guzzling rules.

Fuck no. Not at all.