First let me clear. You're not in trouble. If you were, we wouldn't be meeting on such friendly terms. However, we do need to talk about your performance. You see, back around October of last year, we were all very very eager to have you. You had a number of great releases lined up, and we were all waiting on tenterhooks.You were going to be the biggest thing to happen to movies since 2007.
But then... you choked.
You had everything you needed, and you choked.
Let me drop this interview motif like the mockumentary structure in District 9. When I rank movies, I rank them on a scale of 1 to 5. Five being a perfectly constructed film, and One being an insult to the audience. For those who can't math, three falls right in the middle. I reserve threes for films that make no real impression. Stuff I forget immediately after leaving the theater. Stuff that has no real flaws, but no redeeming factors either. I have never had to use so many three star rankings as I have this year.
Practically everything I was anticipating being a knockout punch has been just average. The Spider-Man reboot, Prometheus, Seeking a Friend for the End of This Really Long Title, The Five-Year Engagement, John Carter, Pirates: Band of Misfits, both of the postmodern Snow White movies. All average, three star efforts.
Hell, even Pixar and Studio Ghibli. Two movie-making institutions renowned for their pursuit of excellence. Six stars between them.
Meanwhile, everything I was anticipating being just average has been dumb dumb dumb. Men In Black III: The Search for More Money, Dark Shadows, Silent House. I got into all of them for free, I still feel like I was ripped off.
2012 is not going down as being a great year for movies. That ship has sailed. But, it's not too late to cut your losses. 2012 hasn't batted a complete .000, The Avengers and Cabin in the Woods were both phenomenal. As for The Hunger Games, while I won't consider it among the greatest of sci-fi films, I will admit it was very very good.
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| Fangirls are no less annoying regardless if their obsession has any worth. |
In addition, everyone knows the first half of a year is the bad half of the movie-going year. The movie-going year is divided into four parts:
1) January - March: Crap. Studios are focusing on awards season. A whole bunch of low-effort junk comes out because it saves mad duckets on marketing.
2) April - July: Summer blockbuster season. every studio has one or two big BIG movies, and a bunch of flashy stuff that they're hoping will get decent returns before word of mouth causes a total lack of disinterest.
3) August - October: Risky ventures and unconventional pics. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Lots of diamonds in the rough, but mostly just rough.
4) November - December: Oscar bait, family films and any Summer Blockbuster that had problems in post.
So, maybe the mediocre first half of 2012 will be swept under the rug by a phenomenal second half. We can only hope.
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