Ranking the Goonies on Their Post-Goonies Careers

9) Jeff Cohen as Chunk

Despite being the most popular and memorable of the Goonies, Jeff Cohen had a spectacularly lackluster career, consisting entirely of bit parts on TV. However, he did lose a bunch of weight, freeing him from a lifetime's amount of request for Truffle Shuffles. He played college football whilst he attended business school. He followed it up with law school, and now serves as a lawyer in southern California. Also, if the internet is to be believed, he can stop bullets.


8) Kerri Green as Andy

Despite her popularity with fans, Kerri Green only had one follow-up hit post-Goonies: the teen-comedy football-flick, Lucas. After a few small roles, Green took a break from acting to attend Vassar College. She graduated Cum Laude with a Bachelor's of Fine Arts. Since graduation, she has been working behind the scenes, managing an independent production company and writing scripts.


7) John Matuszak as Sloth

Prior to becoming a cinematic legend as Sloth, the lovable gentle giant, John Matuszak played professional football for ten years. As a defensive end, he earning himself two Super Bowl rings with the Oakland Raiders. But none of that matters, we're measuring post Goonies fame. Matuszak had a couple of small roles as his career continued, including a trio of crime films which he headlined. They were terrible, but he still headlined. Sadly, Matuszak passed away in 1989 from an overdose of the prescription drug Darvocet.


6) Jonathan Ke Quan as Data

His second-most-prominent role (the first being Short Round from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom), Quan was a defacto representative of southeast Asia in 80s media. Interpret that as you will. Aside from his role as the fifth-season addition Jasper Kwong on TV's "Head of the Class," Quan graduated from University of Southern California School of Cinematic Arts. He now works as a stunt coordinator in Hollywood, serving on films such as X-Men and The One.


5) One-Eyed Willy as Himself

One-Eyed Willy tragically died before the release of The Goonies, but that did nothing to deter his presence in Hollywood. A niche actor, Willy has taken uncredited parts in films such as Army of Darkness, Pirates of the Caribbean, Ghost Rider and Hot Fuzz.


4) Corey Feldman as Mouth

The most famous of all the 1980's Coreys, Corey Feldman earned his fame in films like Stand By Me, The Lost Boys, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Then the Hollywood curse hit him like so many other teenage stars. After a public battle with drugs, Feldman took increasingly schlocky parts. In recent years, he's exploited his personal life and reputation as a former child stars in an unbelievable level of meta.


3) Martha Plimpton as Stef

Martha Plimpton has had a rock solid career in Hollywood, taking a bevy of supporting roles in high profile films... Rather, that's what Wikipedia tells me. In actuality, I don't recognize any of her films. It's her recent work that propels her into the third spot. She's earned three Tony Award nominations in three consecutive years, an Emmy award for a guest spot on The Good Wife, and she's received massive accolades for her work on the series Raising Hope. Also, and this is just my personal opinion, she totally rocks that cropped hairstyle.


2) Sean Astin as Mikey

The Goonies was the feature film debut of Sean Astin, and what a career he's had since. His performance as Samwise Gamgee in the Lord of the Rings trilogy is enough to rocket him into second place. But factor in his performance as the legendary Rudy, and it's clear his career is just fantastic. He's also good in Toy Soldiers and Memphis Belle, but I don't think enough people know about their existence to warrant a mention.


1) Josh Brolin as Brand

I don't know how or when Josh Brolin broke into the A-List, but he's more than welcome to stay. Look at his filmography: No Country For Old Men, Grindhouse, Milk, True Grit, W., American Gangster. Even in crap like Jonah Hex and Men in Black 3, he brings memorable performances. He's making all the right moves and he's been reaping the rewards. Good for you, you wonderful Goonie.

So What, It's Seven Dwarves

1) Warwick Davis

Height: 3'6"

Most famous role: Either Willow Ufgood (Willow) or Professor Flitwick (Harry Potter), depending on how old you are.

Played Santa's Elf?: Yes

Played Snow White's Dwarf?: Yes

Other claims to fame: Co-founder (and namesake) of Willow Management, a talent agency that specializes in representing actors under five feet tall.







2) Danny Woodburn

Height: 4'0"

Most famous role: Mickey Abbott, Kramer's actor friend on Seinfeld

Played Santa's Elf?: Yes

Played Snow White's Dwarf?: Yes

Other claims to fame: An outspoken advocate for the rights of little people, Woodburn once wrote to Roger Ebert protesting his use of the word "midget." Unaware of the negative connotations, Ebert quickly apologized and ceased use of the word. The entire exchange can be read here.






3) Phil Fondacaro

Height: 3'6"

Most famous role: Roland; the professional Finder, stalker, and apparently totally-suitable-for-family-television hebephile from Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Played Santa's Elf?: Yes

Played Snow White's Dwarf?: Yes

Other claims to fame: Shortest actor to ever portray Dracula.







4) Peter Dinklage

Height: 4'5"

Most famous role: Tyrion "The Imp" Lannister on Game of Thrones

Played Santa's Elf?: Vehemently no.

Played Snow White's Dwarf?: Yes

Other claims to fame: First little person to ever win an Emmy (2011, for his role on Game of Thrones).








5) Verne Troyer 

Height: 2'8"

Most famous role: Mini-Me, from the Austin Powers franchise

Played Santa's Elf?: No

Played Snow White's Dwarf?: No

Other claims to fame: Was the subject of a sextape featuring him and his former live-in girlfriend Ranae Shrider. After the video was leaked by Shrider to TMZ in 2008, Troyer sued TMZ for invasion of privacy and copyright infringement.

6) Debbie Lee Carrington 

Height: 3'9"

Most famous role: Thumbelina, pint-sized prostitute from Total Recall

Played Santa's Elf?: Yes

Played Snow White's Dwarf?: No

Other claims to fame: Has a degree in child psychology from the University of California-Davis







7) Martin Klebba

Height: 4'1"

Most famous role: Marty, from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise

Played Santa's Elf?: Yes

Played Snow White's Dwarf?: Yes, several times.

Other claims to fame: Runs a nonprofit foundation called Coalition for Dwarf Advocacy, which gives 100% of its donations to the cause of helping little people.

Louder And With Feeling

Below are ten of my favorite voice actors. I knew their voices. I even knew some of their names. But I never stopped to wonder about their faces.

So... I found out. And this was the result. Kinda thought I'd have more to say on the subject.



From L to R: Richard Horvitz, Charlie Adler, H. Jon Benjamin, Billy West, Tara Strong, Lorenzo Music, Rob Paulsen, Grey DeLisle, Keith David, and Dan Castellaneta.

Love For Sale

I think I finally understand the appeal of romantic comedies. But first an important question: Have you ever read fan fiction?

Basically, fan fiction is an unofficial, non-canon sequel or companion piece to a piece of fiction not at all affiliated with the creators. As the name implies, it is exclusively produced by a fan.

Why does fan-fiction exist? For a number of reasons. As a writing exercise. As a testament of loyalty and/or fandom. To give eternal life to a beloved franchise. Or (most likely) maybe it's to fulfill a long-sustained fantasy.

I'm going to segue abruptly to a famous term anyone remotely familiar with TVtropes.org should know: Shipping. Shipping is the pairing of two characters whom the viewer/reader believes should have a romantic interest. Most commonly, two lead characters with unresolved sexual tension. Within the canonical confines of a TV show, shipping almost invariably spells doom (Moonlighting, The X-Files, and CSI spring instantly to mind.) But in the no-holds-barred world of fan-fiction, anybody gets paired with anybody else. It's up to the lewd, perverted mind of the writer.

Now, what does all this have to do with romantic comedies? Simple; Romantic comedies are the ultimate form of fan fiction.

Hollywood producers tap into the primal urges of the target audience. Think about the astronomical number of mouth-breathers who go apeshit every time there's a celebrity hook-up, break-up or sex scandal. What if we could harness that power and profit from it? What if we could ship together two of the hottest celebrities in LA-LA-Land, project their romantic private lives onto 50-foot screens across the country, then sell the DVDs to In Touch reading freaks for $22 a pop?

Through the magical power of the RomCom, we can ship together an infinite permutation of actors and actresses, drag them through the artificial trenches of relationship hell, and both thespians come out smelling like roses on the other side. Meanwhile, audiences get to pretend Guy HotChest and Dame SweetLegs are actually canoodling, and studio execs get to refill their money bins in time for their Thursday morning breastsroke.

Cat Scratch Fever

Christopher Nolan announced several casting decisions earlier today concerning his next project, "The Dark Knight Returns." The heavily-awaited sequel to The Dark Knight has been the focus of much speculation by the fans.

Clayface was an early contender for the next featured villain; his character's backstory and subsequent struggles with identity and humanity seem right up Nolan's alley. However, Nolan was quick to dismiss these rumors. Nolan's Batman universe is cemented in realism. Fantastical elements (such as a walking, talking, shapeshifting pile of goo) will never be part of the franchise.

The Riddler was also an early speculated fan-favorite. Mere weeks after The Dark Knight came out, photoshopped images and posters flooded the net. Such images proffered casting possibilities ranging from Neil Patrick Harris to Johnny Depp to Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It's the same sort of badgering and mouth-foaming fandom that was responsible for Venom being shoehorned into Spider-Man 3, so I thank Christopher Nolan from the bottom of my heart for not succumbing to fanbase peer pressure.

Instead, Nolan has decided on Tom Hardy to play the super-strong, steroid-allegory Bane. The web is now full of film fans pretending they know Tom Hardy from any role other than Eames in Inception. Bane was previously featured in the 1997 movie Batman and Robin, and I don't need to say anything else about that.

Also announced: Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, the professional cat burglar, sometimes adversary, sometimes ally, sometimes love-interest of both Bruce Wayne and Batman. I have not heard more nerds whining about such a trivial issue since Roger Ebert claimed video games weren't art.

Here are five reasons why the Anne Hathaway rage is unfounded:

1) You nerds will never be fucking happy.

In Batman Begins, nerds were complaining about Katie Holmes' portrayal of Rachel Dawes. They claimed her acting was wooden, stilted, and the worst part of the movie.

In The Dark Knight, nerds were complaining that Maggie Gyllenhaal's portrayal was lackluster and whiny, and she wasn't attractive to play Rachel. (Can someone please explain to me how and why nerds on the IMDB Message Boards have such ridiculously high standards?)

Now, before Anne Hathaway has even received a copy of the script, everyone is claiming she is all wrong for the role of Selina Kyle. I claim there is not a single actress in Hollywood that will ever satiate the whining masses. So it's a moot point at best.

In all fairness, past Catwomen have set the bar unreasonably high.

2) Anne Hathaway is not a terrible actress.

Granted, Anne's filmography is nothing to write home about. There's a bunch of formulaic romances, and a couple of quick paychecks, but it's still a damn fine resume. And let's be honest with ourselves; this isn't some prestigious, artistic, era defining piece of cinematic mastery. This is Batman. A man in a leather suit beating people up for two hours. It's the man's equivalent of the chick flick. Anne Hathaway not moving backwards or forwards with her career, she's moving laterally. Anne Hathaway is not someone randomly pulled off the streets; she is an acceptable choice for the role.

Besides, even though she's made some questionable decisions, she's also made some very good movies. She has an Oscar nomination for God's sake! Watch Rachel Getting Married, watch Brokeback Mountain, watch The Other Side of Heaven. Stop posting images of The Princess Diaries, and give credit where credit's due.

I'll double check, but I don't think Eartha Kitt's available...

3) Catwoman is not a sacred icon.

Halle Berry completely fucked up Catwoman. So did everyone else involved with that movie, but I don't care enough to look up their names, so Berry's getting all the blame from me. Anne Hathaway cannot possibly do anything worse to the character than what Halle Berry did.

Despite that cinematic embarrassment, Catwoman is not a particularly respected or feared member of Batman's rogue gallery. Her greatest asset is being the rare female adversary, but her popularity is nowhere near Harley Quinn's and Poison Ivy's. There is nowhere for Catwoman to go but up.

Egyptians worshiped cats. Maybe they were on to something...

4) Christopher Nolan knows what the fuck he's doing.

After Joel Schumacher razed, burned, and salted the Earth, nobody thought Batman could be saved. Or at least, he'd never be taken seriously again. But Christopher Nolan made Batman Begins and proved everyone wrong.

Nobody thought a superhero movie could be considered great cinema. That even the best superhero film would be just another popcorn flick. But Christopher Nolan made The Dark Knight and proved everyone wrong.

Christopher Nolan has made six of the best films of all time, and he has only made six films. Give the man the benefit of the doubt.

To Christopher, Thanks For Everything! - Julie Newmar

5) There is no possible way you are not seeing this film.

Really? Are you really claiming Anne Hathaway's casting bothers you? As if there was any possible reason you would not see this film on opening day?

It's the sequel to The Dark Knight. It could be five minutes long and made entirely with finger puppets; you would still see it. We know you better than you know yourselves.

Stop your bitching and go eat a Hot Pocket. The Batman franchise is fine.

You're getting awfully worked up for someone whose whole gimmick is cat puns.

Smile and wave, try to behave, be happy that they've made you a celebrity

There is a pre-requisite for reading this post. I'd like you to watch two separate viral videos:

We Are The World 25.75 from Kurt Russell

Okay. On we go.

What does it mean to be a celebrity? A celebrity is anybody whose deeds, actions, or career has made that person known to individuals without having personally met them. There are different grades of celebrity. Most well-known are A-listers, the superstars known by many, even if their fame is not particularly justified. A-list stars are money machines, the result of marketing and exploitation. They're not in the entertainment industry for noble reasons, they want awards and money and fans and more money. When you get a bunch of A-listers together, it usually turns into something like this:


GAH!

KILL IT!

KILL IT WITH SOMETHING STRONGER THAN FIRE!

You could firebomb the whole building, and the only loss would be Jeff Bridges and a recording studio. Why the hell is Vince Vaughn even there? Jeff Bridges won an Oscar for playing a musician in Crazy Heart, so he can justify showing up, even if his reasoning is half-assed. But Vince Vaughn looks like he got lost somewhere and needs to call a taxi. And another thing, when did Vince Vaughn start sucking? He was the coolest guy in the world in 2005, then he and Owen Wilson spontaneously decided they would rather suck. Did the awesomeness of Wedding Crashers result in their collective talent collapsing inward and destroying itself like a neutron star?

Sometimes celebrities just fall out of the limelight. The first video is full of this type of celebrity. Celebrities who once had clout and could once grace magazine covers, but either through bad decisions or personal reasons, have receded to the shadows.

Sometimes celebrities and audiences refuse to admit this. Look at Cameron Diaz and Nicole Kidman. Both of them haven't been in a decent film since 2002 (Gangs of New York and The Others, respectively). Mike Meyers and Eddie Murphy used to be comedy legends, now they couldn't tell a knock-knock joke without crapping all over it. Hell, Tom Cruise used to be the biggest draw in Hollywood with six consecutive films grossing over $100 million, but he couldn't keep his personal life separate from his career and completely screwed himself over.

And yet, despite Vince, Owen, Cameron, Nicole, Mike, Eddie and Tom not having a leg to stand on, they're still considered A-listers and still receive upwards of $25 million per film.

The other type of B-list actor is featured in the second video. The kind who work, and work, and work, but never reach A-list status. They put forth twice the effort, and earn a fraction of the fame. When these types take on a job, it's not for a paycheck, it's an actual honest-to-god career move. They work on the projects they want, they work with the people they want, and they produce quality. Even if this means very few people will ever see their projects.

They usually get a leg-up from the few honest-to-goodness quality actors who manage to crossover to A-list status. While I've never considered myself a Will Ferrell fan, Funny or Die has been a driving forces for aspiring comedians, and has done wonders for the field.

With these two factions clearly defined, we ask ourselves the question: which group of B-list celebrities is the truer representation of the B-list status? If advertisers were clamoring for celebrity spokesmen, who would make a bigger impact: a celebrity very few would recognize, but would greatly appreciate or a celebrity many would recognize, but few would appreciate?

Just some food for thought.