Dream Movies: Canuxploitation

Studios make movies to reach a wide audience. Filmmakers make movies to reach a specific audience. But wouldn't it be wonderful to have movies made exclusively for you? This is Dream Movies, a new feature, where I proffer the harebrained ideas for perfect movies tailor-made for me.


The Title: Stand on Guard

The Plot:  Clarke McGillicutty was a loyal Canadian and a proud serving member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. During a routine investigation of something innocuous, let's say a potential lead on a missing person, Clarke discovers a band of criminals using Canada's comparatively lax stance on trade regulations to smuggle in drugs, weapons, and bacon cut from the belly of the pig instead of the back. In his attempt to uphold the law and protect the good people of Medicine Hat, or Chilliwack, or some other city that makes "Albuquerque" sound normal, he pisses off the wrong people. Alas, the corruption goes all the way to the top. Our hero finds himself a framed and wanted man, with all of Canada turning their backs on him.

Closet transvestites won't even let Clarke sing about them.

Our noble hero is alone in his efforts to clean up the streets, clear his name and stop the villains before the arbitrarily established deadline. His only ally is a sexy former YTV star, who aids in his quest, serves as the requisite love interest, and becomes the third act MacGuffin when she inevitably gets taken hostage, because that always happens to women in the third act. With his back to the wall, Clarke's only solution is to suit up and dispatch a Double Double dose of Canadian-style justice. Because after all, the mounties always get their manslaughter.

Conception for Clarke, seen holding one of the province's three guns.

The Appeal: The exploitation film subgenre is all about shock value and empowerment. The shock value is clear: rampant violence. Mounties versus criminals. Criminals versus civilians. Mounties versus other mounties. There are the standards every action movie promises; hand-to-hand combat, reckless driving and gunplay. But think of the opportunities the unique setting provides! Somebody could get beat with lacrosse sticks, slashed with a broken Molson bottle, eviscerated at a lumberjack camp, and for the grand finale, the criminal kingpin can get run over by a zamboni.

Hell, half the movie could be stock footage from the Vancouver Stanley Cup riots.

As for empowerment? Canadians always get the sort end of the pecan log. They're viewed as America's little brother and it's culture is rarely taken seriously. Canuxploitation can make The True North a force to be reckoned with. The mountie is an internationally recognized symbol of the country, and one that commands respect. Putting a pair of pistols in his gauntlets will reinforce this image. The color red is powerful and intimidating. It's the color of blood. This can be more than a coincidence.

The mounties deserve better than this.

The Talent: Jason Eisener, the guy who made Hobo With a Shotgun.

People who like this movie will never let you forget they like this movie.

Hobo With a Shotgun was a grindhouse film released in 2011, equally ridiculous as it was nonsensically bloody. While the unrestrained nature of the film was entertaining in the same sense that confectioners sugar sprinkled on a brownie sundae is delicious, it was still a freshman effort. I'd like to see him apply the skills learned, but also try some new ideas.

Basically, I want the 21st century version of this.

Eisener is a Canadian, so he's the natural choice for such an endeavour. He could insert the necessary black humour, making the whole thing satirical and self-referential without it seeming like a series of unfair jabs, or a cinematic equivalent of Weird Al Yankovic's 'Canadian Idiot.'

Real Canadians are only a third as flatulent.

I know very little about Jason Eisener; he's only made one feature film, I can't find his short films anywhere on the internet, he has no Wikipedia page, even his IMDB page consists only of a pair of photographs. But as best I can tell, Eisener is well ingrained in the world of grindhouse features and intends to make a full-fledged career out of it. Why not make this reality by fulfilling my indulgent desires?

Pictured: Literally half of everything I know about Jason Eisener