Dream Movies: Argonautica

The Title: Jason and The Argonauts


The Plot:  Ancient Greece. A time of monsters, men, and the Gods who rule them. Pelias, ruler of Iolcus has received a dire warning from Apollo: a one-sandled man will end his reign as king. Enter Jason, everyman extraordinaire who's misplaced half of his sandals. In order to circumvent Apollo's prediction and maintain his rule, Pelias sends Jason on the wildest of the wild goose chases: He must find and retrieve the legendary Golden Fleece.

The Golden Fleece can be found in The Shrine of the Silver Monkey...

Poor Jason is a melancholy figure. Old enough to realize Greece is in the legendary Age of Heroes, but too young to have fought in the legendary Trojan War, and fatalistic enough to realize his lot in life is slightly less than ordinary. He always dreamed of adventure, of excitement, of exhilarating expeditions alongside icons, like Daedalus, Pericles, and his idol, Odysseus. Instead, he's stuck selling fish (or something menial) watching the world pass him by.

The Greeks didn't immortalize just anybody. You had to urn it.

Not privy to Pelias' true intentions, Jason sees the fleece-fueled snipe hunt as his one and only chance for glory, and the ancient Greek equivalent of a fanboy's dream come true. Using the desperate king's boundless resources, Jason enlists the help of every Greek hero not currently dead, exiled, or incapacitated by means of transmogrification (and according to Ovid, there were a lot).

Among the crew are the mighty Herakles, whose strength knows no boundary (and who resents being mistaken for his Roman cousin). The brave Orpheus, who has transcended to the underworld and back multiple times. The sprightly Atalanta, who slew the Calydonian Boar. The noble Perseus, who beheaded Medusa and tamed Pegasus. The determined Theseus, who escaped the clutches of the Minoan labyrinth. The knowledgeable Argus, who knows the oceans like the back of his calloused hands, and builder of the mighty ship Argos (whom he leases to Jason for a very, very reasonable rate.) Finally, there's Medea, the voice of reason, the grounded individual amongst a literal ship of fools... And there's 42 other sailors who will have to fight for screentime.

Kinda like Degrassi. Except on a boat.

Together, they are The Argonauts. They will brave treacheries far and wide, be they winged harpies, bronze giants, mystic clashing rocks, or in-fighting between the Olympians. For glory. For adventure. For redemption. For fleece. And for the truth behind Jason's actual place in the universe; how and why he was chosen for such a quest, and what it means for Iolcus, all of Greece, and the future of mankind.

 

Jason had a little boat, his fleece was gold as corn...

The Talent: Walt Disney Animation Studios

Love 'em or hate 'em, they are undisputed royalty in the world of film. They have the ability to balance comedy and drama like masters. The immersive worlds they create are signifiers of expert storytellers, animators and filmmakers alike. Plus their characters and expressions are bar-none the best in the business. Yeah, even better than Pixar. There, I said it.


The Appeal: Family movies, particularly of the animated variety, are by and large adaptations (I have no basis for this statistic, just go with me). And sometimes after we adapt, we re-adapt, and re-interpret, and re-imagine, and re-boot everything. And after that, it's time for a fresh source.

Greek mythology wasn't designed for the kiddies. They were tales of lust and betrayal and graphic violence. So I can understand why the myths of old are frequently adapted as big, loud, dumb action flicks (looking your way, Wrath of the Titans). But you know what? Snow White is the quintessential kiddie film, and The Brothers Grimm weren't g-rated themselves. Lots of fairy tales are deconstructed and bowdlerized beyond recognition. They made a freaking animated musical out of The Hunchback of Notre Dame with talking gargoyles. Everything is fair game.

This was satire. Then two years later, it actually happened!

As implied earlier in the plot section, I envision this film as an action/comedy. The story lends itself to it. Make Jason a little overly eager and a touch naive; foolhardy and childlike in ambition. He consistently puts his crew in peril, yet he never realizes just how his irresponsibility and inexperience factor into this. Medea is the mother-like figure who bails Jason out of his jams, then slowly evolves into the romantic interest (Kinda Freudian, but whatever). For the rest of the crew, the screenwriter can play off some shallow, appointed gimmick. Argus can be really old and borderline senile. Atalanta can be four feet tall, but every bit as strong as her shipmates. Hell, the boat talks in the original myth. You can't pass up an opportunity for humor like that.

Jason and the Argonauts has been adapted before, most notably the Ray Harryhausen version from the 60's, but it's long overdue for a fresh spin. The story of the Argonauts is the It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World of Ancient Greece. With so many different characters, you can interpret it from a dozen different angles, and it'll be different every time. It's an epic story (literally), so you'd be hard pressed to fit the story into a single movie.  Even the '63 version omits the ending. But after seeing so many interpretations of Hercules' journeys and The Odyssey, it's been a long time coming. Jason and the Argonauts is so chock-full of memorable characters, exciting scenes, and superb potential I'd love to see someone try.

Because what's childhood without a little trauma?

Dream Movies: Canuxploitation

Studios make movies to reach a wide audience. Filmmakers make movies to reach a specific audience. But wouldn't it be wonderful to have movies made exclusively for you? This is Dream Movies, a new feature, where I proffer the harebrained ideas for perfect movies tailor-made for me.

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The Title: Stand on Guard

The Plot:  Clarke McGillicutty was a loyal Canadian and a proud serving member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. During a routine investigation of something innocuous, let's say a potential lead on a missing person, Clarke discovers a band of criminals using Canada's comparatively lax stance on trade regulations to smuggle in drugs, weapons, and bacon cut from the belly of the pig instead of the back. In his attempt to uphold the law and protect the good people of Medicine Hat, or Chilliwack, or some other city that makes "Albuquerque" sound normal, he pisses off the wrong people. Alas, the corruption goes all the way to the top. Our hero finds himself a framed and wanted man, with all of Canada turning their backs on him.

Closet transvestites won't even let Clarke sing about them.

Our noble hero is alone in his efforts to clean up the streets, clear his name and stop the villains before the arbitrarily established deadline. His only ally is a sexy former YTV star, who aids in his quest, serves as the requisite love interest, and becomes the third act MacGuffin when she inevitably gets taken hostage, because that always happens to women in the third act. With his back to the wall, Clarke's only solution is to suit up and dispatch a Double Double dose of Canadian-style justice. Because after all, the mounties always get their manslaughter.

Conception for Clarke, seen holding one of the province's three guns.

The Appeal: The exploitation film subgenre is all about shock value and empowerment. The shock value is clear: rampant violence. Mounties versus criminals. Criminals versus civilians. Mounties versus other mounties. There are the standards every action movie promises; hand-to-hand combat, reckless driving and gunplay. But think of the opportunities the unique setting provides! Somebody could get beat with lacrosse sticks, slashed with a broken Molson bottle, eviscerated at a lumberjack camp, and for the grand finale, the criminal kingpin can get run over by a zamboni.

Hell, half the movie could be stock footage from the Vancouver Stanley Cup riots.

As for empowerment? Canadians always get the sort end of the pecan log. They're viewed as America's little brother and it's culture is rarely taken seriously. Canuxploitation can make The True North a force to be reckoned with. The mountie is an internationally recognized symbol of the country, and one that commands respect. Putting a pair of pistols in his gauntlets will reinforce this image. The color red is powerful and intimidating. It's the color of blood. This can be more than a coincidence.

The mounties deserve better than this.

The Talent: Jason Eisener, the guy who made Hobo With a Shotgun.

People who like this movie will never let you forget they like this movie.

Hobo With a Shotgun was a grindhouse film released in 2011, equally ridiculous as it was nonsensically bloody. While the unrestrained nature of the film was entertaining in the same sense that confectioners sugar sprinkled on a brownie sundae is delicious, it was still a freshman effort. I'd like to see him apply the skills learned, but also try some new ideas.

Basically, I want the 21st century version of this.

Eisener is a Canadian, so he's the natural choice for such an endeavour. He could insert the necessary black humour, making the whole thing satirical and self-referential without it seeming like a series of unfair jabs, or a cinematic equivalent of Weird Al Yankovic's 'Canadian Idiot.'

Real Canadians are only a third as flatulent.

I know very little about Jason Eisener; he's only made one feature film, I can't find his short films anywhere on the internet, he has no Wikipedia page, even his IMDB page consists only of a pair of photographs. But as best I can tell, Eisener is well ingrained in the world of grindhouse features and intends to make a full-fledged career out of it. Why not make this reality by fulfilling my indulgent desires?

Pictured: Literally half of everything I know about Jason Eisener