The 100 Greatest TV Themes: 88-82

88. Twin Peaks
"Falling (Twin Peaks Theme)"
Written by Angelo Badalamenti and David Lynch
Performed by Julee Cruise

If you're familiar with David Lynch (and you should be if you're reading movie blogs on the internet), you know his signature style. Disconcerting paranoia, isolationism, confusion and discomfort for the sake of eeriness. His 1990 venture into television is no exception, and the theme music is a great accompaniment. Its earthy tones, its dream-like melody and its haunting bass notes tell us melodically that the seemingly innocent small town of Twin Peaks is far, far more complicated than donuts and a damn fine cup of coffee.

87. The Road Runner Show
"Road Runner"
by Barbara Cameron

Looney Tunes anthology shows are always hard to classify in terms of television. Bugs Bunny and friends are mainstays of entertainment and animation, but exist almost entirely in a bygone and estranged format: the theatrical animated short. Practically everyone know them from one of many, many televised anthology shows, which collected the shorts into half-hour programming blocks. They're TV shows, but not really TV shows... it's a headache.

While most are quick to herald "Overture, curtain, lights..." as the definitive Looney Tunes TV theme, I'm especially partial to The Road Runner Show for two reasons. First, Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote are the best of the Looney Tunes. Second, this theme is regularly performed at Barenaked Ladies concerts, and is much better than it rightfully should be.

86. Dead Like Me
"Dead Like Me Theme"
by Stewart Copeland

Dead Like Me was a satirical fantasy show depicting death and the afterlife as just another bureaucracy. As if the great unknown was actually quite mundane and unexceptional. And that's what makes this opening so clever. The series can be summed up completely with shots of the normally intimidating Grim Reaper going through the blase motions of a white-collar city dweller. The peppy, calypso music adds to the ridiculousness of the contrast.

85. MacGyver
"MacGyver Theme"
by Randy Edelman

More 80s-synth awesomeness. MacGyver was set apart from other cop shows, spy capers and crime dramas by the ludicrously resourceful abilities of its protagonist. Every MacGyver episode was like a televised point-and-click adventure game, but with far less trial and error (Use screwdriver on door? Use battery on door? Use water glass on door?) Played by Richard Dean Anderson, MacGyver was one of the few non-hockey playing men to ever look cool with a mullet. Combining 80s-action, an unconventional gimmick, and mullet prowess into one 90-second montage was no easy task, but they did it. The music is so riveting, you could synch it up to your pet cat and get the same effect.

84. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme"
Written by Chuck Lorre
Composed by Dennis C Brown

Teenage, Mutant, Ninja, and Turtles. Four cumbersome, multi-syllabic words that songwriters should avoid. But not only does the TMNT theme feature all four words, it keeps shouting them over and over again in quick succession. And it works. Anybody reared in the 80s and 90s will speak of this theme fondly, and for good reason; it's catchy, it draws you in, it compliments the feel of the series, and it's memorable. TMNT had a surprisingly long run for an animated series, nearly 200 episodes spread across ten seasons. In an attempt to rejuvenate interest and update the premise, the classic theme was revamped in season eight. But it was terrible, and since it's not on Youtube, I'm not going to break my back searching for it.

83. Star Trek
"Theme from Star Trek"
by Alexander Courage

Space. The Final Frontier. The words carry such a deep cadence and gravitas, it's easy to see why William Shatner thought he could make a career as a spoken word artist. Even those unfamiliar with Star Trek can appreciate the theme and its place in the science-fiction genre. The operatic crooning that sounds almost entirely like a theremin. The whooshing sound effects. The ethereal tones. The pulsating drum beat. A harp, of all things. It has an instantly nostalgic effect on everybody, even to those born well after the 1960s. It's a retro-futuristic thing of beauty.

82. Sesame Street

"Can You Tell Me How to Get to Sesame Street?"
Composed and Written by Joe Raposo, Jon Stone and Bruce Hart
Harmonica by Jean "Toots" Thielemans

Ah, everybody's first theme song (at least everybody born after 1969). Nothing could be more indicative of Sesame Street and its legacy than its theme song. And for a show featuring a 7-foot tall, yellow, talking bird, it would have to be one heck of a theme song. It's a song full of playfulness and merriment, and that vibe is continued throughout the entire episode and halfway into the PBS News Hour. The theme is updated every season with a new lyrical track from a mixed-childrens choir, and is occasionally overhauled completely to address ever-changing interests and markets. As such, the theme currently playing may be different from the one you remember. Sorry if I crushed your childhood.

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The 100 Greatest TV Themes: 94-89

94. The Patty Duke Show
"Theme from The Patty Duke Show"
Composed by Sid Ramin and Harry Geller

I've never seen an episode of The Patty Duke Show in my life. I know nothing about the show except what I've read on Wikipedia. Given the opportunity, I probably wouldn't even voluntarily watch the show. So why do I even bother to rank its theme? Because I've heard this earworm of a song alluded to, referenced, and parodied at least a dozen times in my life, but was never able to find out the original source. Its inclusion is a public service for anyone else in a similar situation.

93. Get Smart
"Theme from Get Smart"
by Irving Szathmary

Get Smart was a masterful exercise in deadpan comedy. The characters, settings and situations were outlandish, but nobody so much as cracks a smile. The theme reflects this style of humor with a theme reminiscent of James Bond and Dragnet. The imagery is the counterpoint of the theme, showing Maxwell Smart going through a ridiculously complex and unnecessary series of security doors. It's, well, smart.

92. Quantum Leap

"Quantum Leap Main Title"
by Mike Post

What is up with the 1980's and synthesizers? It's like the entire music world stood up simultaneously and said "More keyboards! Every song will have keyboards!" I don't hate synthesizers, but come on, the 1980's were ridiculous. Also, did the guy responsible for editing the theme misinterpret the show as the adventures of a time-traveling transvestite?

Executive Producer
Donald P. Bellisario

91. Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids
"Fat Albert Theme"
by Ricky Sheldon and Edward Fournier

Despite Fat Albert being years before my time, I genuinely enjoy this funk-inspired groove. Even though Fat Albert is clearly being voiced by a professional singer and not The Cos, and even though Bill Cosby talks over a large portion of the song, it's still a great song that emanates vibes of good times and childhood fun. Also of note, check out this awesome cover version by Dig.

90. MASH
"Suicide is Painless"
by Johnny Mandel

Suicide is Painless was originally written for the 1970 feature film MASH. As you can tell from the title, the lyrics were dark and bleak, satirically endorsing suicide as an alternative for depression. No surprise, the lyrics were dropped in favor of several instrumental versions in varying pitch and tempo. Collect them all!

89. The Walking Dead
"The Walking Dead"
by The Walking Dead

What crazy levels of meta lead to the development of this theme? The Walking Dead by The Walking Dead for The Walking Dead? In all seriousness, The Walking Dead is an extremely faithful adaptation of the comic series, from the characters to the themes to the opening's imagery, which looks as if it were pulled straight from the pages of the comic book. Although, somebody should contact both the executive producers and AMC, because if this fanmade opening were authentic, The Walking Dead would easily place in my top twenty.

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The 100 Greatest TV Themes: 100-95

Television. Cinema's little brother. The small screen. The idiot box. The boob tube. An American mainstay and entertainment keystone. And what greater signifier of television's many accomplishments (and many many failures) than the theme song? The musical symbols of fictional friends, their worlds and struggles, their trials and adventures, their sagas and lives.

While the kitschy mainstay is slowly being faded out, many shows still realize how much of an impact a 30-second song snippet has on the collective psyche. In their honor, I've compiled my 100 favorite in a comprehensive list.

But first, the criteria:
1) The theme music must regularly precede or succeed the program it represents.
2) The theme music must be a minimum of twenty seconds in length.
3) The theme song does not necessarily have to be created for its associated series, but must be significantly better recognized as a theme song. (Let's call this the CSI exclusion rule).

Now on with the countdown
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100. Walker, Texas Ranger

"The Eyes of the Cowboy"
Composed by Tirk Wilder and Jerrold Immel

Performed by Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is so powerful, he turned a poorly-written cop drama into the stuff of legends.
Chuck Norris is so awesome, he sings his own theme song about how awesome he is.
Chuck Norris appeared in an episode of Yes, Dear. Yes, Dear ran for six seasons despite being terrible.
Chuck Norris was once a punchline for Conan O'Brien. Something something Jay Leno.
Chuck Norris is so powerful, I'm making Chuck Norris jokes despite it clearly not being 2005.

99. Batman

"Batman Theme"

by Neal Hefti

After seeing how people like Frank Miller and Christopher Nolan have interpreted Batman, it's hilarious seeing his origins. I would pay money to hear Adam West say "Are you dense? Are you retarded or something? I'm the God Damn Batman!" Likewise, I'd love to see Christian Bale busting heads to this surf-rock inspired piece of Americana.

98. Mad Men
"A Beautiful Mine"
by RJD2

Any individual scene or still from any episode of Mad Men drips with rich imagery intensely evocative of the 1960's. And not just anywhere in the 1960's, Madison Avenue in New York City. Classy suits, hats, cigarettes and single-malt scotch. The theme is psychedelic and the imagery is intense. How odd that the theme is anachronistic and has little to do with the actual content of the series, and yet is still a perfect companion? I'd offer a deconstruction and analysis, but I'm trying to keep this brief.

97. SportsCenter
"SportsCenter Theme"
by Annie Roboff and Vangelis

The SportsCenter theme introduced six of the most recognizable notes in all of broadcasting. The trademark stinger was so powerful, it was adopted to represent ESPN as a whole. How impactful is this theme song? I don't even like sports, and it still makes my top 100.

96. Perfect Strangers
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"
Composed by Jesse Frederick and Bennett Salvay
Performed by David Pomeranz

The mid-80's were notorious for a slew of cookie-cutter sitcoms following ordinary people with ordinary problems, yet bolstered by epic theme songs. I can't think of a single show more representative of this trope than Perfect Strangers. The show is so boring and bland, but the theme song sounds like something from a Rocky montage.

95. The Weird Al Show
"The Weird Al Show Theme"
by 'Weird Al' Yankovic

One of the final shows produced for CBS' Saturday Morning lineup, The Weird Al Show was the victim of heavy censorship, executive meddling, and creativity-stifling educational requirements. The theme song, however, is unrestrained madness. Detailing the (fictionalized) life of Weird Al and the unlikely circumstances which lead to him having his own TV show, the theme song is pure Weird Al zaniness. Al was so proud of his results, he featured the song on one of his studio albums.

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1/24 of a Second - Let's Play

Super - A Review

A social outcast notices that crime is rampant and the police force is powerless to stop it. Wondering aloud why nobody has ever tried to become a real superhero, the outcast dons a spandex costume, grabs a weapon, and becomes an unlikely vigilante and folk hero. During his travels he finds a kindred spirit in a younger female. Together, they bring down the biggest crime lord in the city, and learn a lesson in confidence, determination, morality and sacrifice.

This movie was called Kick Ass.

A social outcast notices that crime is rampant and the police force is powerless to stop it. Wondering aloud why nobody has ever tried to become a real superhero, the outcast dons a spandex costume, grabs a weapon, and becomes an unlikely vigilante and folk hero. During his travels he finds a kindred spirit in a younger female. Together, they bring down the biggest crime lord in the city, and learn a lesson in confidence, determination, morality and sacrifice.

This movie was called Super.

I don't know the details concerning the development of Super, so I can't rightfully accuse it of plagiarism. It may just be a happy coincidence. Or it may just be the latest example of the Deep Impact/Armageddon phenomenon. But based on the gap between release dates, it's hard not to point fingers.

At any rate, the film wasn't totally without merit, so don't cast it aside quite yet. Super is the antithesis to Kick Ass. Where Kick Ass was the story of young man trying to make the world a better place, Super is the story of a full-fledged adult going off the deep end, head first into an empty pool. We are supposed to recognize with Kick Ass. We are supposed to fear and pity The Crimson Bolt.

Our hero, Frank D'Arbo, is not a likable person. He's barely sympathetic. He's mentally unstable, an emotional trainwreck, and if you cheer for him, you are clearly misinterpreting the film. Frank's wife abandons him for an unspecified evil drug-dealer/strip joint owner/mafia boss, causing Frank to hallucinate, believing himself to be tapped by Christ to clean up the world.

Handcrafting his own costume, wielding a pipe wrench, and dubbing himself "The Crimson Bolt," Frank brings his concussion-inducing brand of justice to drug dealers, child molesters, and line jumpers alike. Along the way, he meets 22-year old Libby, a comic book geek fresh from the Jonah Hill school of acting. Weaseling her way into Frank's affairs, she adopts the mantle of "Boltie," kid sidekick.

Super won't be appearing at your local multiplex. There are many questionably over-the-top scenes of depravity, gore and psychotic assault. This film starts out campy, but during the second act, it turns dark. It wasn't even submitted to the MPAA for rating. You'll have to seek out a locally owned and operated theater where the programming director has the cajones to show such a film.

What separates Super most from Kick Ass is how the superheroes are portrayed. Kick Ass was ineffective, but he had noble intentions. With proper training, equipment and planning, he turns into a formidable force. The Crimson Bolt, however, is just a psycho. Imagine if Travis Bickle was a fat guy who put on a mask and cape. He doesn't plan, ever. He just gets bigger and more weapons. He never exercises, and he wails upon anybody who upsets him. Boltie is even worse, being one step above a San Diego ComicCon attendant in terms of skill, attacking anybody who even looks at her funny, laughing like a maniac all the way. Why do the hot ones always have to be crazy?

I describe Super as being 1/8 Edgar Wright, 1/8 Sam Raimi, and 3/4 Ed Wood. It passes frequently into the 'So Bad Its Good' territory, but that's its saving grace. Rainn Wilson, Ellen Page, Kevin Bacon, and Nathan Fillion are spot-on perfect with their hamminess. They, along with the entire supporting cast, are so over-the-top, you get suckered in by the complete insanity of the film. And insanity is available in abundance. Throughout the course of the film, people have their skulls cracked open by wrenches, peoples faces get blown off, people are on the business end of pipe bombs, somebody gets scalped and has their brain poked at with a corn dog, somebody takes glass shrapnel to their face, and there is an onscreen rape.

And that's the beauty of it. That the filmmakers had the sheer audacity to show us this violent imagery. It's refreshing that no matter how far we've come, how far we go, and how much we see as film fans, we can till be shocked and titillated. There is no upper limit, and as long as we can stomach the gory imagery of an evisceration, it's actually quite fun.

If you're looking for a good movie, you'll be sorely upset. If you want a superhero-themed Grindhouse movie that makes Darkman look like Underdog, I recommend it.

Coming Soon and Gone - Comedian

Comedian was a 2002 documentary about stand up comedians; the industry, their techniques, and their lives on the lower rungs of show business. It featured several comedians at various stages of success, most notably among them Jerry Seinfeld. It wasn't a terrible film, but there wasn't much to remember.

Instead, it spawned quite possibly the greatest movie trailer of all time, featuring the king of voice-over artists: Don LaFontaine

1/24 of a Second - Get Animated

We're at an iMPAAsse.

I've seen commercials advertising the special theatrical release of The King's Speech. It's not longer, it's not the director's cut, it doesn't have an additional scene after the credits. It's the PG-13 version.

The King's Speech is a great biopic. It's inspiring, it's powerful, it's historical, it's both lighthearted and deep. It's cinematic magic, and while it wasn't my choice for Best Picture for 2010, it should be made available to the widest audience possible.

Do you know why it was rated R in the first place? If you'll recall, there was no violence, there was no sex, no nudity, no thematic elements, and no drug use or alcohol abuse (save for some chain smoking and a scene where Guy Ritchie is determined to find the perfect bottle of wine.)

If you'll recall, there was one scene responsible for it's restricted rating. In a moment of frustration, Geoffrey Rush urges Colin Firth to belt out a cathartic tirade of expletives. The tirade is as follows:

"Fuck. Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck and fuck! Fuck, fuck and bugger! Bugger, bugger, buggerty buggerty buggerty, fuck, fuck, arse! Balls, balls, fuckity, shit, shit, fuck and willy. Willy, shit and fuck and... tits."

According to the MPAA, this is naughty language that can only be exposed to adults. According to my sources, the edited version is as follows, and perfectly suited for all ages:

"Shit. Shit! Shit, shit, shit and shit! Shit, shit and bugger! Bugger, bugger, buggerty buggerty buggerty, shit, shit, arse! Balls, balls, shitty, shit, shit, fuck and willy. Willy, shit and fuck and... tits."

Hearing the word "Fuck" thirteen times in swift succession is dangerous to malleable young minds. Hearing it twice is perfectly fine. Of course, this is twice as many times normally allowed. Under normal MPAA guidelines, a film may say "Fuck" once and maintain a PG-13 rating. Clearly, the MPAA has a soft spot for Colin Firth's charming, British allure. Buggerty? Delightful!

Oh, and let's not forget "Shit." To the MPAA, that word is completely inconsequential. "Shit" and "Shoot" might as well be interchangeable (though not as verbs. That would be silly.)

Why do I take such personal issue with this? Does it have anything to do with my getting a three-day suspension in the 6th grade for saying "Shit" in a private conversation to a friend? No, not a bit. Clearly I hold no ill-regard towards the shit-eating language police and their goddamn, ass-backwards, cock-guzzling rules.

Fuck no. Not at all.

Cast, Casting, Design, Music, Editors, DP, Producers, Writer, Director

Opening credits are a relic from old Hollywood, when the credits ran before the film in their entirety. Since then, film production has become more complicated. Crews of dozens have ballooned to crews of hundreds. In interest of time, credits were moved to the end of the film, while only a few choice names remained at the beginning. I don't know why.

If you think about it, opening credits are unnecessary and redundant. All they're doing is preventing the movie from starting for two minutes. Some films don't even use them at all, and nobody cares.

But sometimes they're the stuff of legend. Maybe it's an exercise in typography, maybe it's a music video in disguise, maybe they're just trying to set a mood. Sometimes, the opening credits are just awesome.

This isn't a true Top Ten list, these are just ten examples I really like. Don't infer anything concerning rankings or omissions.

1) Enter the Void (2010)

I know nothing about Enter the Void other than the opening credits. I'm actually scared to watch this film because there's no way the actual movie can compare to this technotronic love letter to Adobe After Effects.

2) Catch Me If You Can (2002)

It's tough to categorize Catch Me If You Can into standard genres. But this animated credit sequence does what my words cannot. It exudes the 1960's vibe of the film, while sharing it's sense of whimsy, trickery, and deception. Tell me the opening to Mad Men wasn't slightly more than inspired here.

3) Juno (2007)
A major theme in Juno is music, so the design studio responsible for its opening credits drew inspiration from 1970s-era rock posters. Over 900 photos of Ellen Page were rotoscoped to create this sequence.

4) Watchmen (2009)

If Zack Snyder could make an entire movie in slow motion, he would. I like this sequence as it creates the illusion of still photographs come to life, and introduces us to the world, history and characters of Watchmen without even saying a word. Unfortunately, it's too effective; I like it better than the entire rest of the movie.

For some reason, they won't let me embed the stupid video. Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14vTrFyHO94

5) Casino Royale (2006)

Arguably, any James Bond film could be on this list, but I like this one best. The familiar imagery of standard playing cards is electrifying and mixes well with the breakneck action Daniel Craig introduced to the franchise.

6) Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989)

Back when I was a kid, my only copy of Honey I Shrunk the Kids was recorded off TV. In addition to being edited for time and content, it was interrupted by commercials, and started five minutes in. As such, I didn't see this credits sequence until years later. Which is a shame, because it's actually pretty neat. Too bad the animators had no clue what Nick and Amy actually looked like.

7) Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Every time I watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I forget just how insane these credits are. They start off silly and gradually progress into full-fledged lunacy. From the Python's, I'd expect nothing less.

8) Zombieland (2009)

People see zombie movies for one reason: Zombie effects. Zombieland serves us this insatiable desire on a silver platter. I also like how the credits are treated like physical objects. A nice touch.

9) Thank You For Smoking (2005)

Typography and product recognition. It's amazing how many brands I can identify, and I don't even smoke.

10) Do the Right Thing (1989)

Fight the Power is an inseparable element of Do the Right Thing, and you hear snippets of this song throughout the entire film. It only makes sense to hear the song in its entirety before the movie begins proper. Plus Rosie Perez can dance like nobody's business.

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