Most famous role: Either Willow Ufgood (Willow) or Professor Flitwick (Harry Potter), depending on how old you are.
Played Santa's Elf?: Yes
Played Snow White's Dwarf?: Yes
Other claims to fame: Co-founder (and namesake) of Willow Management, a talent agency that specializes in representing actors under five feet tall.
2) Danny Woodburn
Height: 4'0"
Most famous role: Mickey Abbott, Kramer's actor friend on Seinfeld
Played Santa's Elf?: Yes
Played Snow White's Dwarf?: Yes
Other claims to fame: An outspoken advocate for the rights of little people, Woodburn once wrote to Roger Ebert protesting his use of the word "midget." Unaware of the negative connotations, Ebert quickly apologized and ceased use of the word. The entire exchange can be read here.
3) Phil Fondacaro
Height: 3'6"
Most famous role: Roland; the professional Finder, stalker, and apparently totally-suitable-for-family-television hebephile from Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Played Santa's Elf?: Yes
Played Snow White's Dwarf?: Yes
Other claims to fame: Shortest actor to ever portray Dracula.
4) Peter Dinklage
Height: 4'5"
Most famous role: Tyrion "The Imp" Lannister on Game of Thrones
Other claims to fame: First little person to ever win an Emmy (2011, for his role on Game of Thrones).
5) Verne Troyer
Height: 2'8"
Most famous role: Mini-Me, from the Austin Powers franchise
Played Santa's Elf?: No
Played Snow White's Dwarf?: No
Other claims to fame: Was the subject of a sextape featuring him and his former live-in girlfriend Ranae Shrider. After the video was leaked by Shrider to TMZ in 2008, Troyer sued TMZ for invasion of privacy and copyright infringement.
6) Debbie Lee Carrington
Height: 3'9"
Most famous role: Thumbelina, pint-sized prostitute from Total Recall
Played Santa's Elf?: Yes
Played Snow White's Dwarf?: No
Other claims to fame: Has a degree in child psychology from the University of California-Davis
7) Martin Klebba
Height: 4'1"
Most famous role: Marty, from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise
Played Santa's Elf?: Yes
Played Snow White's Dwarf?: Yes, several times.
Other claims to fame: Runs a nonprofit foundation called Coalition for Dwarf Advocacy, which gives 100% of its donations to the cause of helping little people.
The Plot: Ancient Greece. A time of monsters, men, and the Gods who rule them. Pelias, ruler of Iolcus has received a dire warning from Apollo: a one-sandled man will end his reign as king. Enter Jason, everyman extraordinaire who's misplaced half of his sandals. In order to circumvent Apollo's prediction and maintain his rule, Pelias sends Jason on the wildest of the wild goose chases: He must find and retrieve the legendary Golden Fleece.
The Golden Fleece can be found in The Shrine of the Silver Monkey...
Poor Jason is a melancholy figure. Old enough to realize Greece is in the legendary Age of Heroes, but too young to have fought in the legendary Trojan War, and fatalistic enough to realize his lot in life is slightly less than ordinary. He always dreamed of adventure, of excitement, of exhilarating expeditions alongside icons, like Daedalus, Pericles, and his idol, Odysseus. Instead, he's stuck selling fish (or something menial) watching the world pass him by.
The Greeks didn't immortalize just anybody. You had to urn it.
Not privy to Pelias' true intentions, Jason sees the fleece-fueled snipe hunt as his one and only chance for glory, and the ancient Greek equivalent of a fanboy's dream come true. Using the desperate king's boundless resources, Jason enlists the help of every Greek hero not currently dead, exiled, or incapacitated by means of transmogrification (and according to Ovid, there were a lot).
Among the crew are the mighty Herakles, whose strength knows no boundary (and who resents being mistaken for his Roman cousin). The brave Orpheus, who has transcended to the underworld and back multiple times. The sprightly Atalanta, who slew the Calydonian Boar. The noble Perseus, who beheaded Medusa and tamed Pegasus. The determined Theseus, who escaped the clutches of the Minoan labyrinth. The knowledgeable Argus, who knows the oceans like the back of his calloused hands, and builder of the mighty ship Argos (whom he leases to Jason for a very, very reasonable rate.) Finally, there's Medea, the voice of reason, the grounded individual amongst a literal ship of fools... And there's 42 other sailors who will have to fight for screentime.
Kinda like Degrassi. Except on a boat.
Together, they are The Argonauts. They will brave treacheries far and wide, be they winged harpies, bronze giants, mystic clashing rocks, or in-fighting between the Olympians. For glory. For adventure. For redemption. For fleece. And for the truth behind Jason's actual place in the universe; how and why he was chosen for such a quest, and what it means for Iolcus, all of Greece, and the future of mankind.
Jason had a little boat, his fleece was gold as corn...
The Talent: Walt Disney Animation Studios
Love 'em or hate 'em, they are undisputed royalty in the world of film. They have the ability to balance comedy and drama like masters. The immersive worlds they create are signifiers of expert storytellers, animators and filmmakers alike. Plus their characters and expressions are bar-none the best in the business. Yeah, even better than Pixar. There, I said it.
The Appeal: Family movies, particularly of the animated variety, are by and large adaptations (I have no basis for this statistic, just go with me). And sometimes after we adapt, we re-adapt, and re-interpret, and re-imagine, and re-boot everything. And after that, it's time for a fresh source.
Greek mythology wasn't designed for the kiddies. They were tales of lust and betrayal and graphic violence. So I can understand why the myths of old are frequently adapted as big, loud, dumb action flicks (looking your way, Wrath of the Titans). But you know what? Snow White is the quintessential kiddie film, and The Brothers Grimm weren't g-rated themselves. Lots of fairy tales are deconstructed and bowdlerized beyond recognition. They made a freaking animated musical out of The Hunchback of Notre Dame with talking gargoyles. Everything is fair game.
This was satire. Then two years later, it actually happened!
As implied earlier in the plot section, I envision this film as an action/comedy. The story lends itself to it. Make Jason a little overly eager and a touch naive; foolhardy and childlike in ambition. He consistently puts his crew in peril, yet he never realizes just how his irresponsibility and inexperience factor into this. Medea is the mother-like figure who bails Jason out of his jams, then slowly evolves into the romantic interest (Kinda Freudian, but whatever). For the rest of the crew, the screenwriter can play off some shallow, appointed gimmick. Argus can be really old and borderline senile. Atalanta can be four feet tall, but every bit as strong as her shipmates. Hell, the boat talks in the original myth. You can't pass up an opportunity for humor like that.
Jason and the Argonauts has been adapted before, most notably the Ray Harryhausen version from the 60's, but it's long overdue for a fresh spin. The story of the Argonauts is the It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World of Ancient Greece. With so many different characters, you can interpret it from a dozen different angles, and it'll be different every time. It's an epic story (literally), so you'd be hard pressed to fit the story into a single movie. Even the '63 version omits the ending. But after seeing so many interpretations of Hercules' journeys and The Odyssey, it's been a long time coming. Jason and the Argonauts is so chock-full of memorable characters, exciting scenes, and superb potential I'd love to see someone try.
Am I remembering correctly, or was this trailer before every movie for, like, 2 years? And then Ice Age came out. And it wasn't nearly as funny as the trailer itself.
The MPAA, despite all its missteps, has done one thing very well: It has kept film as a business, as an art, and as an entertainment medium out of the hands of the government.
In the 1930's, The Hays Code went into effect in order to keep film deregulated. Essentially, The Hays Code was a strict ban on material that could be deemed offensive to the potential audience, including sex, drug use, foul language, and any form of racism (quite progressive, given the era.)
Before and After The Hays Code. Ruining the lives of shoulder fetishists everywhere.
But times change, and begrudgingly, so does protocol. In the 1960s, the comically outdated Hays Code was phased out in favor of the MPAA rating system, allowing for more controversial material to a willing, receptive, and most important, appropriate audience.
The rating system has changed a bunch since then, but one thing has remained constant: The R-Rating has restricted content from those under the age of 17.
Why? Because. The MPAA rating system exists to warn and alert parents of questionable content. It's censorship, but it's self-censorship. The MPAA and the National Association of Theater Owners both agree this is the best possible policy. If this was not the case, the government would intervene, and force mandatory regulation. Don't believe me? Look at TV. Look at radio. The FCC's got its tentacles all over them, and they'll never break free.
National Association of Theater Owners. Good thing nobody else has that acronym.
Now let me be clear. I don't agree with censorship. But it's a necessary evil. No matter how much I bitch and moan and whine and complain, Prudence Dogood and the Lady's Auxillary of Smallburg, USA will raise a much bigger fuss. They have to do something while their casseroles are in the oven. If we restrict admission to vulgar, racy and violent films, we can literally say 'We have done everything we can.' The children are safe, and sheltered children make the best adults (it's a self-perpetuating fallacy).
Movies are not being censored. They are not being altered. They are not being butchered or outlawed. They are simply being dangled above the head of high school sophomores.
If you don't like it, make your voice heard. Not at theater, of course. There's nothing the box office clerk can do about it except you you a look of dismay. And don't rebel either. I speak from experience, there is nothing a theater usher likes better than kicking a 14 year-old out of 'Fart Academy 5.'
You're just going to do this anyways. Can't you do it in the new Dreamworks movie?
I mean it. If you ever scream at a box-office clerk over a 40 year-old, nationwide ordinance, you deserve to have your Friday night ruined. Go ice skating or something. You also deserve to have your tires slashed and your mailbox knocked over, but I have no power over that (mechanics and mailmen of America, let's make a deal...)
No, make it clear that the content of R-Rated movies is a non-issue that doesn't require an enforceable rule. That you could care less if your sixteen year-old daughter saw a provocative social drama about heroin and AIDS. That your freshman son is certainly mature enough to handle a movie about three stoners who befriend a gorilla and teach it to smoke. That if your kids are old enough to drive themselves to the theater and pay with their own credit cards, they should see a bunch of Martians ruthlessly shoot up a stranded batallion of space marines if they so desire.
Protocol has changed before to reflect a changing audience. The MPAA and NATO needs to know its time to change again.
2012, come in. Please, have a seat. Get comfy. Can I get you something to drink?
First let me clear. You're not in trouble. If you were, we wouldn't be meeting on such friendly terms.
However, we do need to talk about your performance. You see, back around October of last year, we were all very very eager to have you. You had a number of great releases lined up, and we were all waiting on tenterhooks.You were going to be the biggest thing to happen to movies since 2007.
But then... you choked.
You had everything you needed, and you choked.
Let me drop this interview motif like the mockumentary structure in District 9. When I rank movies, I rank them on a scale of 1 to 5. Five being a perfectly constructed film, and One being an insult to the audience. For those who can't math, three falls right in the middle. I reserve threes for films that make no real impression. Stuff I forget immediately after leaving the theater. Stuff that has no real flaws, but no redeeming factors either.
I have never had to use so many three star rankings as I have this year.
Practically everything I was anticipating being a knockout punch has been just average.
The Spider-Man reboot, Prometheus, Seeking a Friend for the End of This Really Long Title, The Five-Year Engagement, John Carter, Pirates: Band of Misfits, both of the postmodern Snow White movies. All average, three star efforts.
Hell, even Pixar and Studio Ghibli. Two movie-making institutions renowned for their pursuit of excellence. Six stars between them.
Meanwhile, everything I was anticipating being just average has been dumb dumb dumb.
Men In Black III: The Search for More Money, Dark Shadows, Silent House. I got into all of them for free, I still feel like I was ripped off.
2012 is not going down as being a great year for movies. That ship has sailed. But, it's not too late to cut your losses.
2012 hasn't batted a complete .000, The Avengers and Cabin in the Woods were both phenomenal. As for The Hunger Games, while I won't consider it among the greatest of sci-fi films, I will admit it was very very good.
Fangirls are no less annoying regardless if their obsession has any worth.
In addition, everyone knows the first half of a year is the bad half of the movie-going year. The movie-going year is divided into four parts:
1) January - March: Crap. Studios are focusing on awards season. A whole bunch of low-effort junk comes out because it saves mad duckets on marketing.
2) April - July: Summer blockbuster season. every studio has one or two big BIG movies, and a bunch of flashy stuff that they're hoping will get decent returns before word of mouth causes a total lack of disinterest.
3) August - October: Risky ventures and unconventional pics. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Lots of diamonds in the rough, but mostly just rough.
4) November - December: Oscar bait, family films and any Summer Blockbuster that had problems in post.
So, maybe the mediocre first half of 2012 will be swept under the rug by a phenomenal second half. We can only hope.
Here are ten more opening credit sequences I really like. In case you forgot its predecessor, go here.
Again, infer nothing from their ranking or representation over other films. These are just ten I like.
1) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)
What better way to get a gaggle of kids to sit down and shut up then to barrage their eyes with a cavalcade of confectionery delights? I swear, one time as a kid, I watched just this opening credits sequence because I was so insanely jealous of all that chocolate.
2) The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (2011)
I could have filled this entire list with just David Fincher openings. This is his most recent, and I don't know what I like about it. It barely even fits with the rest of the film (assuming a scene exploring Lisbeth Salander's latex fetish wasn't just edited out), but it's intense, shocking, and Karen O's vocals do the Led Zeppelin classic some justice.
3) Reservoir Dogs (1992)
It's men. Walking down a street. In slow motion. Some are wearing suits, while others are not. And Stephen Wright is talking. It shouldn't be interesting, but it's the most iconic scene in the film, and arguably of the entire Tarantino filmography.
4) Superbad (2007)
Dance, white boys, dance!
5) The Third Man (1949)
While the music is only recognizable to film fanatics of the advanced tier, the score of The Third Man is thrust into prominence with an extreme close-up of a zither (a great Scrabble word, by the way). It wants your attention, and it grabs you by the lapels until it's finished.
6) Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)
There was a period of time when Mike Meyers was considered an innovative comedian, and this movie was at the tail-end of that era. Already rehashing a series of joke that was featured not once, but twice in the first Austin Powers, Austin Powers 2 begins with a bawdy thrust that still evokes a smirk.
7-9) The Naked Gun (1988), The Naked Gun 2 1/2 (1991), The Naked Gun 33 1/3 (1994)
The three Naked Gun films all feature the same joke in their opening credits, but have the decency to reinvent and rework the gags for each installment. They're just as hilarious, off-the-wall and fast-paced as the rest of the movie.
10) Gattaca (1997)
Gattaca is not completely obtuse or misleading, but it does require your full attention. It's a tight-knit science fiction film, and rewards those who make the effort to watch it multiple times. Only those who have seen the film, know the plot, and understand the character can begin to recognize what's going on in this sequence. And for those watching for the first time, they just have to make sense as best they can.
Studios make movies to reach a wide audience. Filmmakers make movies to reach a specific audience. But wouldn't it be wonderful to have movies made exclusively for you? This is Dream Movies, a new feature, where I proffer the harebrained ideas for perfect movies tailor-made for me.
-----------------------------------
The Title: Stand on Guard
The Plot: Clarke McGillicutty was a loyal Canadian and a proud serving member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. During a routine investigation of something innocuous, let's say a potential lead on a missing person, Clarke discovers a band of criminals using Canada's comparatively lax stance on trade regulations to smuggle in drugs, weapons, and bacon cut from the belly of the pig instead of the back. In his attempt to uphold the law and protect the good people of Medicine Hat, or Chilliwack, or some other city that makes "Albuquerque" sound normal, he pisses off the wrong people. Alas, the corruption goes all the way to the top. Our hero finds himself a framed and wanted man, with all of Canada turning their backs on him.
Closet transvestites won't even let Clarke sing about them.
Our noble hero is alone in his efforts to clean up the streets, clear his name and stop the villains before the arbitrarily established deadline. His only ally is a sexy former YTV star, who aids in his quest, serves as the requisite love interest, and becomes the third act MacGuffin when she inevitably gets taken hostage, because that always happens to women in the third act. With his back to the wall, Clarke's only solution is to suit up and dispatch a Double Double dose of Canadian-style justice. Because after all, the mounties always get their manslaughter.
Conception for Clarke, seen holding one of the province's three guns.
The Appeal: The exploitation film subgenre is all about shock value and empowerment. The shock value is clear: rampant violence. Mounties versus criminals. Criminals versus civilians. Mounties versus other mounties. There are the standards every action movie promises; hand-to-hand combat, reckless driving and gunplay. But think of the opportunities the unique setting provides! Somebody could get beat with lacrosse sticks, slashed with a broken Molson bottle, eviscerated at a lumberjack camp, and for the grand finale, the criminal kingpin can get run over by a zamboni.
Hell, half the movie could be stock footage from the Vancouver Stanley Cup riots.
As for empowerment? Canadians always get the sort end of the pecan log. They're viewed as America's little brother and it's culture is rarely taken seriously. Canuxploitation can make The True North a force to be reckoned with. The mountie is an internationally recognized symbol of the country, and one that commands respect. Putting a pair of pistols in his gauntlets will reinforce this image. The color red is powerful and intimidating. It's the color of blood. This can be more than a coincidence.
The mounties deserve better than this.
The Talent: Jason Eisener, the guy who made Hobo With a Shotgun.
People who like this movie will never let you forget they like this movie.
Hobo With a Shotgun was a grindhouse film released in 2011, equally ridiculous as it was nonsensically bloody. While the unrestrained nature of the film was entertaining in the same sense that confectioners sugar sprinkled on a brownie sundae is delicious, it was still a freshman effort. I'd like to see him apply the skills learned, but also try some new ideas.
Basically, I want the 21st century version of this.
Eisener is a Canadian, so he's the natural choice for such an endeavour. He could insert the necessary black humour, making the whole thing satirical and self-referential without it seeming like a series of unfair jabs, or a cinematic equivalent of Weird Al Yankovic's 'Canadian Idiot.'
Real Canadians are only a third as flatulent.
I know very little about Jason Eisener; he's only made one feature film, I can't find his short films anywhere on the internet, he has no Wikipedia page, even his IMDB page consists only of a pair of photographs. But as best I can tell, Eisener is well ingrained in the world of grindhouse features and intends to make a full-fledged career out of it. Why not make this reality by fulfilling my indulgent desires?
Pictured: Literally half of everything I know about Jason Eisener
I'm a graduate of film school, and I love movies. Making movies. Watching movies. Examining movies. Deconstructing movies. Complaining about movies. I'm the kind of guy you avoid at parties.
I am ripe with opinion, and feel compelled to share it with anyone who cares. If you know movies, love movies, or just want a differing opinion, I encourage you to subscribe as I pay homage to the films and filmmakers that define the medium and entertain millions.
Cinematically yours,
Adam Jaspering
