The 50 Greatest Music Movie Moments: 24 - 20

24.) The Hobbit - Misty Mountains
Lyrics by J.R.R. Tolkien
Performed by Richard Armitage and the 12 other dwarfs.


The scene: On the eve of a great adventure, a small army of dwarven adventurers take refuge in the home of a reluctant hobbit. As the night progresses, things grow quiet. A tentative Thorin (Richard Armitage) leads his companions in the Middle-Earth equivalent of a folk song.

The song: The internet needs to decide on the proper name of this song. So far, I've seen "Misty Mountains," "Over the Misty Mountains," "Far Over the Misty Mountains," and "Over the Misty Mountains Cold." Would it kill somebody to check the official film soundtrack? In seriousness, the song is a haunting dirge that instantly invokes imagery of great adventure and peril. Its simplicity is a great counterpoint to Howard Shore's epic, sweeping score, and the layered harmonies send chills right to your spine.


23.) Rushmore - Making Time
Performed by The Creation


The scene: Max Fischer (Jason Schwartzman) is Rushmore Academy's most decorated and most active student. How active is he? Allow this montage of his extracurricular activities plainly demonstrate.

The song: Every montage needs a perfect song. Not only does it need to match the visuals in terms of theme, style, and emotion, it has to match the pacing. This particular montage is more like a series of photographs brought to life, and each punctuated measure of "Making Time" highlights each individual scene in their various glories.


22.) Kick-Ass - Bad Reputation
Performed by Joan Jett


The scene: In the climactic showdown between Hit Girl (Chloe Grace-Moretz) and the big bad's army of hired goons, our resourceful heroine finds herself in a bad place. Outgunned, outnumbered, and cornered, Hit Girl has only one advantage: outclassing every single thug as she runs through a gauntlet of rapid-fire fury.

The song: "Bad Reputation" is the go-to song for any movie scene featuring a female character kicking ass and taking names. However, I have never seen it put to better use than here. The stylization, the editing, and the cinematography are all top tier. I used to associate "Bad Reputation" as the theme to Freaks and Geeks, but now it is, and always will be, Hit Girl's leitmotif.


21.) Dazed & Confused - No More Mister Nice Guy
Performed by Alice Cooper



The scene: It's a right of passage for the Lee High School student body: the Seniors hunt down and paddle the Freshman. It's barbaric, insane, and a little sadistic, but everyone suffers the same. Although, some enjoy and some fear the tradition more than others; such is the case of the cruel Roy O'Bannion (Ben Affleck) and the perturbed Mitch Kramer (Wiley Wiggins).

The song: Dazed & Confused was a massive sleeper hit, widely passed over during its initial release, but now considered to be one of the best films of the 1990s. The soundtrack is near perfection, collecting some of the finest hard rock hits of the 1970s, any one of the musical moments could be argued as the best. For me, the finest is the Alice Cooper classic, which marks the turning point of Mitch's character arc. No longer a meek middle schooler afraid of the looming world, he is now a full-fledged high school student, and he wants to live.


20.) Pretty in Pink - Try a Little Tenderness
Performed by Otis Redding



The scene: In what has to be his 953rd attempt to transcend out of the friend-zone, Ducky (Jon Cryer) meets Andie (Molly Ringwald) at her place of work where he dances and lip-syncs to a motown classic. The best part? It is completely unprovoked by anything.

The song: The joke works on two levels. First, Duckie is among the whitest of white boys. So much so, Anthony Michael Hall's character from Sixteen Candles would call this guy a geek. As such, having him mimic the deep soul stylings of Otis Redding is pretty goofy. Second, Duckie is completely incapable of foregoing his intentions of wooing Andie, even if his attempts cross the boundary away from flirtatious, away from well-meaning, away from sincere, landing plumb in the area of batshit crazy.

If anybody feels sorry for Duckie never getting the girl, get over yourselves. He deserves the friend-zone. Besides, how is it not obvious that he is completely gay?

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The 50 Greatest Music Movie Moments: 28 - 25

 

28.) Moneyball - The Show
Originally by Lenka
Performed by Kerris Dorsey


The scene: Baseball manager Billy Beane (Brad Pitt) takes a break from his deeply involved and hardening job to spend time with his daughter, letting his humanity show and endearing him to audiences, thus ensuring an Academy Award nomination. Billy takes his daughter Casey (Kerris Dorsey) to a music store, where she picks up a guitar and regales her father. As she sings, he realizes the uncomfortable truth that his daughter is growing up faster than he has realized.

The song: Either Lenka plagiarized Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" or Mraz plagiarized Lenka. I can't tell. Both these songs came out at the same time, and they are exactly the same. Regardless, 'The Show' is a tender, melodious pop song handled with all the frailty necessary by the young Kerris Dorsey. I'd go so far as to say I prefer her acoustic version over the actual song.


27.) Can't Hardly Wait - Paradise City
Originally by Guns N Roses
Performed by Charlie Korsmo


The scene: Troves of high schoolers are in the early hours of the final party of their high school careers. Coincidentally, it's also the first high school party of the socially awkward and painfully nerdy William (Charlie Korsmo). Fortunately, due to a well-timed dosage of confidence and alcohol, Charlie finds acceptance quite easily. He doubles down on his newly acquired popularity with an intense rendition of a heavy metal classic.

The song: 'Paradise City' was released in 1988. Can't Hardly Wait was released in 1998. By teenager standards, the song was a relic. A fossil from a bygone era. And yet, with the right attitude, the right enthusiasm, and the right energy it's just as fresh as the day it was released. Just as William learns, it's not important who or what you are, it's how you present yourself.


26.) Boogie Nights - Sister Christian/Jessie's Girl/99 Luftballons
Performed Respectively by Night Ranger, Rick Springfield and Nena


The scene: Hard up for cash to cover their studio recording costs, pornography mavens Dirk Diggler and Reed Rothchild (Marky Mark Wahlberg and John C. Reilly) attempt to scam the eccentric Rahad Jackson (Alfred Molina) by selling him a half-kilo of baking soda disguised as cocaine. But as the plan progresses, it turns out Rahad is more than just eccentric.

The songs: Boogie Nights chronicles the evolution of society, media, and business from the 1970s well into the 1980s. The scene depicts the worst of 80s excess: having so much money there's nothing to do with it except sterile furnishings, alcohol and drugs, and hiring an associate to randomly set off firecrackers throughout the evening. All this nonsense is punctuated by three songs verbally welcoming you to the maddening wonderland of 1980s America.



25.) Reservoir Dogs - Stuck in the Middle with You
Performed by Stealers Wheel


The scene: Professional thief and amateur psychopath Mr. Blonde (Michael Madsen) is left alone with a police hostage after a botched diamond heist. Rather than interrogate his captive on the details of the failed robbery, Mr. Blonde decides to have some darkly demented fun with a straight razor.

The song: Filmmaker Quentin Tarantino's first foray into film was (no duh) also his first foray into soundtracks. In his own words, he wanted the film to have a 50s feel, but with a 70s soundtrack. The entire film is bookmarked by narration from a fictional DJ on a fictional radio station, playing "Super sounds of the 70s," adding an extra element of familiarity between the soundtrack and the film.

Interesting fact: The 70s were just as chronologically distant from Reservoir Dogs' release date as Reservoir Dogs' release date is from today.

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The 50 Greatest Music Movie Moments: 33 - 29

33.) Inglourious Basterds - Cat People
Written & Performed by David Bowie


The scene: Four years ago, Shosanna (Mélanie Laurent) saw her family brutally murdered by Nazi officers. But after years of patience, she is presented with the perfect opportunity for revenge. Not just on the officers who killed her family, but on the whole of Nazi Germany.

The song: When I talked about Pulp Fiction a few posts ago, I made mention that the selected song was anachronistic with the setting. While I maintain that decision was most likely an oversight, here we see the same situation from an entirely different angle. This is truly an anachronistic soundtrack, and a beautifully done one, to boot. It's truly the anthem of a scarred, angry, and determined young woman bent on revenge. It's like Rosie the Riveter meets Sarah Conner in audio form.


32.) The Big Lebowski - Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)
Written by Mickey Newbury
Performed by The First Edition


The scene: Unwillingly submersed in a complex conspiracy of kidnapping, embezzlement and blackmail, Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski (Jeff Bridges) is drugged after getting too close to the truth. In his hallucinogenic, unconscious state, The Dude dreams of bowling, the Gulf War and pornographic delights.

The song: Just Dropped In was written as a warning song discouraging LSD use. And now, it's linked inexorably with one of the trippiest scenes in film history. The world's funny like that. Also funny, The First Edition have been almost completely forgotten save for this song, which was wildly different from the rest of their catalog (they were mostly a country/western/folk band primarily known for launching the career of Kenny Rogers). Still, psychedelia is as psychedelia does.



31.) Top Gun - Danger Zone
Performed by Kenny Loggins


The scene: As an amber sun rises over the Indian Ocean, we see the crew of the USS Enterprise (the aircraft carrier, not the spaceship). But these are no ordinary Navy men, they represent the elite aeronautical fighting force. The dogfighters. The Interceptors. The F-14 Tomcats. The Mavericks... and the Gooses.

The song: Equal parts new wave and hard rock, Danger Zone is a classic anthem of bravado and show-stopping awesomeness. People don't like Top Gun. They like Danger Zone. Watch the movie some time and try to prove me otherwise.


30.) Clerks II - ABC
Performed by The Jackson 5


The scene: Nervously anticipating his rapidly approaching wedding, reluctant Dante (Brian O'Halloran) asks his manager, friend, confidante and paramour Becky (Rosario Dawson) for advice and perhaps a quick dance lesson. Becky has little to offer on the former, but quite an abundance of the latter. So much so, everyone within a two mile radius seems compelled to join in.

The song: The films of Kevin Smith take place on the border of the real world; a place where absurd ideas are blanketed in reality. That's what makes the ABC dance sequence so endearing; it comes right out of nowhere, disappears just as quick, is completely out of tune with the rest of the film, but at the same time feels absolutely indispensable.


29.) Wall-E - Put on Your Sunday Clothes
Written by Jerry Herman
Performed by the cast of the 1969 film Hello, Dolly
 


The scene: After years of isolation and solitude, alone amongst the ruins of planet Earth, the lonely robot Wall-E meets the enigmatic Eve. Eager to impress the mysterious stranger, Wall-E shows off his treasure trove of scavenged relics, trinkets and prized possessions. Chief amongst them, a derelict VHS tape of a musical, cued to his favorite scene.

The song: I'll be honest, I know nothing of Hello Dolly, and I'll most likely go my entire life without seeing any production of it. But to see the genuine love and admiration through another's eyes is something magical. The way a robot can be so curious and envious of humanity, filtered entirely through a romanticized period piece is endearing. It's his only real connection with human society and music, and his affection is as real as his love of the musical.

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The 50 Greatest Music Movie Moments: 37 - 34

37.) Gremlins 2 - New York, New York

Performed by Tony Randall and a gremlin chorus


The scene: After successfully taking over the Clamp Enterprises building and running amok, the Gremlin army convenes in the lobby, preparing to bring their mayhem and destruction to the entirety of New York City. In anticipation, a specially verbose and intelligent gremlin leads the group in a rousing rendition of the city's unofficial anthem.

The song: Gremlins 2 is over-the-top nutty and ridiculous, both in terms of storytelling and humor. The filmmakers threw everything including the kitchen sink into the film. Singing gremlins may seem ridiculous, but it makes sense in the context of the film. Coincidentally, it's the only sense made in the entirety of Gremlins 2.


36.) Donnie Darko - Mad World
Performed by Michael Andrews and Gary Jules


The scene: After a baffling series of events that requires a companion guide, everything gets nullified via time travel, shoving it all into an alternate timeline that never happened. The tragic and morbid events that compromised the entire movie are remembered only as a shared dream by the entire town. In a montage, the town awakens, reflecting on their narrowly avoided paths.

The song: Mad World was originally written and performed by Tears For Fears, an English new wave band. To amplify the dark nature intended, the song is pared down to a slow piano, cello, and minor chords upon minor chords. Some would argue the song became more successful than the movie; the 50,000,000+ views for the music video support this claim.


35.) Back to School - Dead Man's Party
Performed by Oingo Boingo


The scene: Well into a golden-aged college experience, Thornton Melon (Rodney Dangerfield) hosts a rager of a kegger in his lavish dormitory. As the party reaches critical mass, 'Dead Man's Party' dominates the soundtrack, rattling the windows and shaking the walls. When suddenly the camera cuts to reveal it's not just a stereo system cranked to the max, but Oingo Boingo themselves, live and in person.

The song: Dead Man's Party isn't deep or significant to the scene or the film, but to the general feeling of the movie. Back to School is an archetypical 80s comedy. As such, it gets an archetypical 80s party song. What makes Dead Man's Party so extraordinary is the filmmakers didn't just license the song, they actually got Oingo Boingo to appear onscreen, performing the hit... And I may be a bit biased because Oingo Boingo is one of my favorite bands of all time. But no matter. Moving on.


34.) Sid and Nancy - My Way
Written by Frank Sinatra
Performed by Gary Oldman in the style of Sid Vicious


The scene: Sid Vicious (Gary Oldman) is at the apex of a doomed solo career after pissing off and breaking up his former band, The Sex Pistols. The closest thing he ever has to a hit is an off-color cover of the Sinatra classic.

The song: My Way is such a corny, cheeseball song, stripping it of all its pomposity is the only way to do it justice.The anarchistic attitude and punk rock music delivered by Gary Oldman are on point, and the slow deviation from straightforward musical number into artistic metaphor is stylistic brilliance.

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The 50 Greatest Music Movie Moments: 41 - 38

41.) Elf - Baby, It's Cold Outside
Written by Frank Loesser
Performed by Zooey Deschanel and Will Ferrell


The scene: Days before Christmas, childlike Buddy (Will Ferrell) stumbles upon Jovi (Zooey Deschanel) preparing for work as a department store holiday helper. Thinking she's alone, she sings a holiday classic in the shower. Not thinking anything of it, Buddy welcomes himself to provide some uninvited harmonies. It's the most uncomfortable shower scene since Psycho.

The song: Listen to the lyrics: this song is about date rape. It's got all levels of creepiness, and for some reason, it's a holiday staple. Deschanel (either really unaware of the song's content, or really eager to revisit the well) later recorded a full-length version of Baby, It's Cold Outside on her band's holiday album, A Very She & Him Christmas. Will Ferrell, meanwhile, continues to play Buddy the Elf in every single movie he's cast in.


40.) Juno - Anyone Else but You
Written by The Moldy Peaches
Performed by Ellen Page and Michael Cera


The scene: Juno (Ellen Page) had the misfortune of experiencing the milestones of romance all out of order; sex first, then motherhood, then finally love. Her adventure over, Juno has nothing left to do but continue her normal, average life where she left off, making up for lost time, and exploring the mysteries of love with her boyfriend Paulie (Michael Cera).

The song: Juno is a film that inverts romantic conventions. The woman is the center of attention, the woman is the one who screws up, the woman is the one with faults and problems to overcome, and the woman has to win the man back. Reflecting this, Juno and Paulie switch the male and female parts of the song. Moldy Peaches frontwoman Kimya Dawson coached the duo on how to perform the song. To her own admission, Cera and Page "sing it better than us."


39.) Shaun of the Dead - Don't Stop Me Now
Performed by Queen

The scene: Sheltered temporarily from a zombie swarm inside a tavern, Shaun, Ed and Liz (Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and Kate Ashfield) are forced to fight off a particularly resilient zombie using the only resources available: pool cues, darts and a fire extinguisher. And somebody left the jukebox on.

The song: Shaun of the Dead straddles the line between horror and comedy. Every genuinely terrifying moment is delivered with a wacky approach or a quirky resolution. In this style, Don't Stop Me Now is the perfect song to accompany a fight scene because, ordinarily, it would be the least appropriate song to play during a fight scene.


38.) The Royal Tenenenbaums - These Days
Performed by Nico


The scene: Estranged siblings Margot and Richie Tenenbaum (Gwyneth Paltrow and Luke Wilson) are reacquainted upon learning of their father's eminent death. To Margot, it's a reconnection with her brother. For Richie, it's a tumultuous internal storm. Margot is his sister, albeit adopted, but he's not entirely certain how to approach his romantic feelings. Regardless, he can't help but hear music when he sees her face.

The song: Director Wes Anderson is one of those people who could find the perfect song for any setting, any scenery, any character, and any feeling. I bet he has some really interesting playlists on his MP3 player ("An unseasonably warm New England autumn day spent with a dog, shortly after learning one's daughter has been accepted into a prestigious European university: 6 tracks, 19 minutes.") We don't need any words to understand Richie's thoughts. We don't a look, a nod, a raised eyebrow, anything. We just need an Eisenstein cross-cut, a fisheye lens, and the song.

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The 50 Greatest Music Movie Moments: 46 - 42

46.) The Perks of Being a Wallflower - Heroes
Written and performed by David Bowie


The scene: On her way home from a party, high school senior Sam (Emma Watson) feels completely at peace. She feels nothing but boundless anticipation towards the future and the world around her. So much so, when David Bowie's Heroes comes on the radio, she feels "infinite." She climbs from the passenger seat to the bed of her pick-up truck, spreads her arms, and flies.

The song: Heroes is a sleeper hit, receiving little acclaim upon release, but now widely credited as one of David Bowie's best works. None of the characters can identify the piece or artist, referring to it simply as "The Tunnel Song". However, this work's to the song's advantage. The wall of sound effect creates a grand and majestic auditory effect that turns the music into a moment of transcendence. We've all had this experience. You hear a song once, you know nothing about it, and you never hear it again. It's just you and that music and that moment in time where you were both connected. It's nothing short of magic.


45.) Pulp Fiction - You Never Can Tell
Written and performed by Chuck Berry



The scene: Reluctantly dragged to a 50s-themed restaurant, Vincent Vega (John Travolta) is unwillingly enrolled in a dance contest by femme fatale Mia Wallace (Uma Thurman). The pair boogie, twist, watusi, and perform practically every other dance from the 1950s in a sequence that circles around awkward and lands flush in the realm of awesome.

The song: You Never Can Tell is one of rock and roll pioneer Chuck Berry's signature songs. According to director Quentin Tarantino, the sequence "gives a uniquely 50's French New Wave dance sequence feel" (watch Vivre Sa Vie and Band of Outsiders for examples). It works so well, you can forgive the fact You Never Can Tell wasn't released until 1964, rendering the song selection anachronistic.


44.) History of the World, Part 1 - The Spanish Inquisition
Written and performed by Mel Brooks


The scene: Chapter four in the anthology comedy History of the World, Part 1, is a documentation of The Spanish Inquisition. One of the most notorious and infamous acts of mass murder and religious oppression in human history. In ludicrous Mel Brooks fashion, it's reimagined as a Busby Berkeley song-and-dance number, complete with synchronized swimming nuns.

The song: The Spanish Inquisition is rife with old school vaudevillian comedy, wordplay, slapstick and audacious boundary-pushing moments. You never see any of it coming. After all, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.


43.) 10 Things I Hate About You - Can't Take My Eyes Off You
Written by Frankie Valli
Performed by Heath Ledger
 

The scene: In the tumultuous early stages of a questionably motivated romance, marred by drunken foolishness and lust at a party, Patrick (Heath Ledger) declares his intentions and feelings for Kat (Julia Stiles) in a theatrical and detention-worthy manner.

The song: The powerful falsetto of Frankie Valli and trademark sound of the Four Seasons is such a trademark of popular music, it's easy to parody. But parody requires a gentle hand. Too little, it's not worth the effort; too much, you venture into morning DJ territory. With just the right amount of satire and genuineness (and a high school marching band), 10 Things I Hate About You gives you something easy to love.


42.) Reality Bites - My Sharona
Written and performed by The Knack


The scene: A quartet of Generation X-ers descend on a 24-hour convenience store to load up on various snack foods. The song in question comes on the radio, leading to an impromptu dance number. They never come out and say it, but we have a group of 20-something insomniacs, with the munchies, lowered inhibitions, all having public giggle fits. There are subtle implications, and then there's BIG THUNDERING implications.

The song: My Sharona is one of the landmark one-hit wonders. The Knack came out of nowhere, deposited their song on the landscape, and disappeared back into the ether. And like most one-hit wonders, we take their efforts and contributions slightly less serious than other legitimate artists. The frivolous, pot-induced, and extremely white dance moves reflect this feeling.

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The 50 Greatest Music Movie Moments: 50 - 47

Movies and music. Two great tastes that taste great together. Like chocolate and that other thing... you know, oranges. In honor of this arbitrarily decided element of film, I've amassed a list of 50 excellent movie-music moments. But first, some rules. Because it's not fun if it's not within verbally established limits.

A) No musicals. They get all the glory. This is all about music movie moments that catch you by surprise.
B) Music must be featured during the stupid movie. If it plays during the credits, it doesn't count. It may be the greatest song ever written, but I just don't care who the casting director was.
C) Nothing before 1980. Let's keep this list relevant and fresh. I've seen a Fred & Ginger movie. One was enough. You're not missing much.
D) Actual songs. Not classical compositions, not pieces from the score. That's a whole 'nother thing.

Now on with the countdown!


50.) Labyrinth - Magic Dance
Written and performed by David Bowie
 

The scene: Jareth the Goblin King (and his magical codpiece) needs to find a magic spell to quell the crying of his newly-adopted ward/kidnapped baby. After some brief deliberation, he decides the best course of action is to simultaneously gloat that his master plan of evil is coming to fruition and dance with his infant associate. And there are Muppets!

The song: A delicious British synth-pop number that would be right at home in an 80s nightclub, Magic Dance is one of the finest villain songs to ever grace the big screen. Having David Bowie at the helm makes it only that much sweeter.


49.) Love, Actually - All You Need is Love
Written by The Beatles
Performed by Lynden David Hall, The London Community Gospel Choir and a couple dozen extras


The scene: The wedding of Julie and Peter (Keira Knightley and Chiwetel Ejiofor) goes off without a hitch. No wacky hijinks, no shenanigans, and no unexpected surprises... much to everybody's astonishment, given best man Mark's (Andrew Lincoln) penchant for spectacle. When low and behold, just at the ceremony's culmination, a spontaneous choir and a cache of hidden instruments turns the wedding into something magical.


The song: In a film like Love, Actually, including the song All You Need is Love may be a little too on-the-nose. At least it feels natural and welcoming, and is pulled off in quite a charming manner. Aaaaand if you Youtube it, you can find at least 10 examples of people stealing the idea and not pulling it off nearly as well.


48.) UHF - Beverly Hillbillies
Written and performed by Weird Al Yankovic


The scene: Overworked TV executive George Newman (Weird Al Yankovic) falls asleep at his desk doing paperwork and watching a rerun of The Beverly Hillbillies, probably for the 50th time. As a result, he has one heck of a trippy dream sequence.

The song: If you have a musical-comedian as the star of your movie, you pretty much have to let them sing once. Instead, UHF sandwiches an entire music video in the middle of the film. The spot-on recreation of Dire Straits' Money For Nothing is admirable in execution, albeit one of the milder entries in the Weird Al library in terms of comedy. At least it makes for a grand movie music moment.


47.) Hudson Hawk - Swinging on a Star
Written by Jimmy Van Heusen and Johnny Burke
Performed by Bruce Willis and Danny Aiello



The scene: Master crooks Hudson Hawk and Tommy Five-Tone (Bruce Willis and Danny Aiello) realize they have roughly five minutes to pull off their latest heist. Rather than taking the obvious route of using a watch, the pair decide to synchronize themselves by individually and concurrently belting out a Bing Crosby classic.

The song: Hudson Hawk is a cult favorite for a reason. Questionable moments such as this one are either endearing or downright stupid. I myself haven't decided which side of the fence I'm on. Either way, it's easy to see Bruce Willis' love for music play out in the scene. It's almost enough to make me look up The Return of Bruno on Spotify. Almost. By which I mean never.

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My Favorite Film and 99 Runners-Up

Everybody has a favorite film. Some people have ten favorite films. Some people flesh out their list to a full hundred. How and why people choose their favorite film is subjective. Some choose a film of important personal significance or inspiration. Some choose a film of extremely high regard to impress other people. Some pick the movie they could watch over and over again. But in the end, a person's favorite movie is more indicative than they may realize.

This is my story.


I grew up on a steady diet of cartoons and sitcoms. From my first day of kindergarten, I set out to be a comedian. The jokester. Mister funny man. I thought making somebody laugh was the surest way to make them like you

As I aged, my tastes didn't necessarily refine, but grew to encompass most everything. I was like the Blob, I just wanted to consume everything in my path. Unfortunately, I had the tragic misfortune of
A) Being a minor,
B) Living in suburban Missouri and
C) Having conservative parents. My mother and father had a strict kibosh on anything they deemed too racy, too violent, too inappropriate, too raunchy, or too controversial. I wasn't allowed to watch The Simpsons from seasons four through ten. My father overheard Bart relentlessly chanting the word "Bastard," and banned the series from our house. That was the freaking golden-age of The Simpsons. I'm still mad about this.

 

Come to think of it, my dad was a pretty ardent Bush supporter...

At about age 13 or 14, my parents either lifted the ban or stopped caring enough to enforce it. We didn't have cable, so they didn't feel it necessary to censor any of my TV-watching; there was nothing too inappropriate on broadcast television.

In early 2000, there was an advertisement for a TV show. It looked funny, and I wanted to watch it. It was that simple. I didn't know who was responsible for creating it, any of the actors appearing in it, or even the background that led to its fruition. I just knew the TV show from a brief 30-second promo. I watched it. Low and behold, if it wasn't the single-funniest 30 minutes of my life, it was damn close. I tuned in next week, and it was even funnier.

And then it was cancelled.

After a mere two episodes, the TV show that changed my life was cast into the garbage by ABC to make room for more episodes of Who Wants to be a Millionaire.

This show was Clerks: The Animated Series.

 

This two minute scene was funnier than the final three seasons of The Drew Carey Show.

As mentioned, at this point of my life, I was trying to experience as much media as possible in any form. The internet was still in the days of dial-up, so it was no help there. I could spend an evening downloading a single song from Napster if my parents didn't need to use the phone, or I could spend 22 bucks on a new album. Hard copy media was still the name of the game. Sam Goody, Funcoland, Wherehouse Music and Best Buy were my homes away from home (That's right, Best Buy. That's where you stand.)

But the king among kings was Blockbuster Video. You remember Blockbuster, right? For five bucks, you could leave your home to pick a movie from a limited library, take it home for three days, (assuming nobody else took the single copy of the movie first) then leave your home again to return it.

9000 my ass. Also, a director from Amsterdam wouldn't use this many Dutch angles.

The one advantage Blockbuster and other video rental outlets had over modern internet streaming services was the ability to browse. You could instantly see hundreds of video boxes, all right next to each other. If you couldn't find something you wanted, you could look at everything else, maybe finding a diamond in the rough. Maybe finding something else entirely. Something serendipitous.

My God, It's Full of Stars

5 Star Movies
Skyfall
Hugo
How to Train Your Dragon
Star Trek
Burn After Reading
Zodiac
Borat
Batman Begins
Collateral
Pirates of the Caribbean


4 Star Movies
Wreck-It Ralph
The Muppets
Jackass 3D
Adventureland
In Bruges
300
Paprika
War of the Worlds
Saw
Holes


3 Star Movies
Chronicle
Sucker Punch
The Last Exorcism
Watchmen
Tropic Thunder
Charlie Wilson's War
Night at the Museum
Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire
National Treasure
Paycheck


2 Star Movies
Prometheus
Source Code
Cop Out
9
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Ghost Rider
The Da Vinci Code
Corpse Bride
Garden State
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen


1 Star Movies
Dark Shadows
Tower Heist
Jonah Hex
The Soloist
Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay
Smokin' Aces
Poseidon
Red Eye
The Stepford Wives
Hulk

85th Academy Awards Predictions

Best Short (animated and live-action):

I consider myself a Simpsons fan, but for the life of me, I have no idea how 'Maggie Simpson in: 'The Longest Daycare'' earned a nomination. It wasn't funny, it's story was weak, and it wasn't particularly well-animated. I think Fox just cashed in a few favors.

The safe bet here is on 'Paperman.' It's overflowing with classic Disney charm, and I cannot forsee any circumstances in which it doesn't win.

On the live-action side of things, it was an entirely different story. All five contenders were truly strong and deserving of their nominations. It could go any direction, and I would be content with that. However, I know the Academy tends to favor short films that feature a lighthearted approach to serious issues, and the one film that fits that requirement is 'Curfew.' It's where I'm placing my bets, but again, don't be surprised if you have to buy the donuts Monday morning.

Best Documentary Short and Feature:

Again, another year where I know nothing about anything, and am forced to read film blog after film blog to ascertain any answers. Just like you, amirite?

Despite the unavailability of non-fiction film, all movie experts say it comes down to two options: 'Searching For Sugar Man' or 'How to Survive a Plague.' Normally, I recommend remembering Oscar's history of favoring the most controversial and topical of content, and 'How to Survive a Plague' would get my vote in that regard, but based on 'Searching For Sugar Man's' stack of wins at other events and festivals, I say go in that direction.

For the shorts.... erm... 'Mondays at Racine.'


Visual Effects:

While I'd love to see 'The Avengers' walk away with the prize, the critical darling 'Life of Pi' is poised to be the winner. On the plus side, I can look forward to a political cartoon the following week simply reading "Hulk Mad! Hulk Smash!"

Sound Mixing and Sound Editing:

Just a reminder, Sound Editing is foley, sound mixing is soundtrack, vocals, score and foley. Now, 'Skyfall' has a chance of taking home both awards, but it's up against some stiff competitors. I have no basis for this slanderous opinion, but I think the Academy is prejudice against the Bond franchise. Ergo, I believe Sound Editing will go to 'Zero Dark Thirty,' which has a precedent of going towards war films, and Sound Mixing will go to 'Les Miserables,' which has a precedent of going towards musicals.

Production Design:

The Production Design Oscar is the new name for the Art Direction Oscar for reasons I don't understand, and for reasons nobody cares to explain. Five good competitors this year, and while my personal vote goes to 'Lincoln' and it's vivacious recreation of 1860s America, I think cinephiles will instead flock to Les Miserables, not only for it's depiction of early 19th-century France, but for a wholeheartedly enthusiastic and devoted portrayal to the Broadway show.

Original Song and Score:

I love when a novelty song gets the Best Original Song nomination, even if it stands no chance of winning. I also love how it was written and performed by the man hosting the Oscars ceremony. We're gonna get a bunch of jokes out of that. The award is going to Adele because it's 2013, and she's Adele.

For Original Score, I champion Lincoln. It has that Ken-Burnsy civil war documentary motif throughout, but also stands alone as its own entity. Also, it's the only one of the nominees I can actually distinctly remember.

Makeup & Hairstyling:

Hitchcock and terrible makeup & hair. Alfred Hitchcock has one of the most iconic faces in film history, and at no point during the film was I convinced I was watching the master of suspense. It was just Hannibal Lecter in a really big fat suit.

You may feel compelled vote for The Hobbit. Well just remember, last year the award went not to Harry Potter and the Millions of Creatures Covered in Wigs and Latex Masks, but instead went to the man who made a lady who already looked like Margaret Thatcher look slightly more like Margaret Thatcher. I say, go with Les Mis.

Foreign Language Film:

As much as I love the story of the 'Kon-Tiki,' the safe money is 'Amour.' It won the Palme D'Or, it garnered a Best Picture nomination, and it's a weeper.

Animated Feature:

If 'Brave' wins, and you happen to hear someone outside yelling 'Fix!,' that's me. Hands off, Pixar. No coasting on legacy.

'Wreck-It Ralph' seems like the favorable choice. I love their ability to turn an 8-bit sprite into a 3D figure, have them walk alongside a Master Chief-clone, and yet still both look like classic Disney characters. It would be the first win for Walt Disney Animation Studios, and if 'Paperman' wins the Best Animated Short, it'd be a double-whammy for Disney.

Film Editing:

No idea. But when in doubt, go with whoever's taking home Best Picture. Spoiler, that's 'Argo.'

Costume Design:

Both Snow White films? Really? One of them I can understand, but both? 'Mirror Mirror' looks like somebody plagiarized Mattel, and 'Snow White & The Huntsman' looks like a Renaissance fair.

I know the rule is "Whichever has the most petticoats," and that would be 'Anna Karenina.' I hate that rule. However, I really can't argue with this year, so 'Anna Karenina' it is.

Cinematography:

Five very worthy entrants this year. The unconventional camerawork of Anna Karenina. The slow, long-takes of Lincoln. The new-wave hyperstyle of Life of Pi. The always whimsical Tarantino style of Django Unchained. Skyfall and a near-perfect action style that uses Shakycam in an appropriate, and controlled manner, which all you assholes in Hollywood should be paying attention to, ahem ahem.

I'm very shocked The Master didn't get any attention here. It seemed the whole movie was designed with the intention of getting an award here. Oh well, better luck next time, Paul Thomas Anderson. I'm going to place my bets on Life of Pi.

Supporting Actress:

Les Miserables is, without hyperbole, the most revered musical in Broadway history. The decision to use actors not classically trained in theater (with the exception of Hugh Jackman) to play the iconic roles was questionable and controversial. Director Tom Hooper quelled these fears by putting Anne Hathaway, singing, front and center in the film's trailer. And suddenly, everybody shut up.

Anne Hathaway, no competition.

Best Supporting Actor:

It puzzles me how Alan Arkin got a nomination, but not John Goodman. Arkin was there, but Goodman had all the personality, all the good lines, all the memorable scenes and expressions. Oh well, keep trying John. The Coen brothers will get you a statue eventually.

Christoph Waltz is my choice, but I offer my advice with trepidation. If you'll recall, he last won the award for his role in Tarantino's 'Inglourious Basterds.' The similarity of the roles may not sit right with the voters, motivating them to send their votes elsewhere. But I guarantee you, whoever wins, nobody will happy.

Best Leading Actress:

Congratulations to Academy voters for rewriting all movie-trivia works by simultaneously giving nominations to the oldest actress (Emmanuelle Riva, 84) and youngest (Quvenzhane Wallis, 9) in Oscar history.

Jennifer Lawrence is the heavy favorite here, and for good reason. She's become Hollywood royalty in a very short time, and she shows no signs of slowing down.

Best Leading Actor:

Daniel-Day Lewis. If you need any explanation, you shouldn't be involved in Oscar pools.

Best Screenplay, Original and Adapted:

'Zero Dark Thirty' is nominated for best Original Screenplay, while Lincoln is in the Best Adapted category. Clearly, the qualifications need to be redefined.

As evidenced above, I'm expecting Argo to get it's clock cleaned in most categories. As such, it'll pick up an easy win for best adapted screenplay. However, I would like to go on record touting my love for Silver Linings Playbook. Tackling serious issues with a smile is a difficult task, and they deserve mention for doing it so well.

For Original Screenplay, I feel strongly towards Django Unchained. Tarantino hasn't earned a statue since Pulp Fiction in 1994, and his general attitude and vitriolic opinions towards the institution would explain why. But his nomination for Inglourious Basterds in 2009 proves the Academy is warming up to him again. I feel this is his year.

Best Director:

I could not believe the nominations this year. I was 1/5. Bigelow wasn't nominated. Affleck wasn't nominated. Tarantino wasn't nominated. Paul Thomas Anderson wasn't nominated. Spielberg was nominated, but that was the one I felt I would be wrong about.

Since the Academy doesn't allow write-in candidates, the obvious choice of Ben Affleck is wrong. Instead, I'm favoring Lincoln. Because I basically have to.

Best Picture:

Argo.
Argour.
Argo Dark Thirty.
Arjgo Unchained.
Beasts of the Southern Argo.
Life of 'Go.
Silver Argo Playbook.
Les Miserargos.
Lincoln, but with Argo in it's name.


To recap:
Best Animated Short: Paperman
Best Live-Action Short: Curfew
Documentary Short: Mondays at Racine
Documentary Feature: Searching for Sugar Man
Visual Effects: Life of Pi
Sound Mixing: Les Miserables
Sound Editing: Zero Dark Thirty
Production Design: Les Miserables
Original Score: Lincoln
Original Song: "Skyfall" from Skyfall by Adele
Makeup and Hair: Les Miserables
Costume Design: Anna Karenina
Foreign Language Film: Amour
Animated Feature: Wreck-It Ralph
Film Editing: Argo
Cinematography: Life of Pi
Best Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables
Best Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz in Django Unchained
Best Leading Actress: Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook
Best Leading Actor: Daniel-Day Lewis in Lincoln
Best Adapted Screenplay: Argo
Best Original Screenplay: Django Unchained
Best Directing: Steven Spielberg for Lincoln
Best Picture: Argo


EDIT: 19/24. My best year yet.